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Some employers offer their employees subsidized membership of gym or sports clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers see no benefit in so doing. Discuss both views and give your opinion v.2

Some employers offer their employees subsidized membership of gym or sports clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers see no benefit in so doing. 2
Maintaining a healthy and fit body is more important these days because of stressful jobs and sitting before a computer screen for hours. Some companies offer their staff free membership of the gym or sports club that this will make them healthier. While other employers see no advantages through that subsidy. In this essay, I will discuss about both sides of the argument and give my opinion. Firstly, many MNC companies offer their staff with many facilities to make their staff free from stress from their daily work. Moreover, they also offer event tickets or other club membership to make them effective at work. For instance, joining in the gym can help employees to be fit and also helps to build better relations with other colleagues. So, it is important to join a club or the gym to be healthier. On the other hand, the people who already joined in the gym and other clubs will see no benefit by this subsidy. Apart from that, the people will get no time to spend with their family and to work on their passion. For example, staff who joined in the gym will get less time for their personal work as well for their family members. That mean staff usually spends 8 hours in their office, 8 hours of sleep and remaining time in their other works. So, some employers see no benefit of subsidized membership. In conclusion, by the above aforementioned points majority of the employers get benefited from those schemes. In my humble opinion, every people who are working in those companies should utilize this scheme to make their life healthier and more fit.
Maintaining a healthy and fit body is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
these days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of stressful jobs and sitting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
a computer screen for hours.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
offer their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
free membership of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
or sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
club
that this will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them healthier.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
no advantages through that subsidy. In this essay, I will
Did you mean simply "discuss both"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about both
sides of the argument and give my opinion.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake found.
MNC
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
offer their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
facilities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
free from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
from their daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Moreover
, they
also
offer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
tickets or
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other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
club
membership to
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make
them effective at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
For instance
, joining in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
employees to
be fit
and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to build better relations with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
colleagues.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
club
or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
to be healthier.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clubs
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
no benefit by this subsidy. Apart from that, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
no time to spend with their family and to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on their passion.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
less time for their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as well
for their family members. That mean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
usually
spends 8 hours in their office, 8 hours of sleep and remaining time in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
works.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
no benefit of subsidized membership.

In conclusion
, by the above aforementioned points
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
the employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
benefited from those schemes. In my humble opinion, every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are working in those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should utilize this scheme to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their life healthier and more fit.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Some employers offer their employees subsidized membership of gym or sports clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers see no benefit in so doing. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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