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Some countries encourage teenagers to have part-time job and see it as a good thing, while others disagree. Give your opinion and explain both views. v.2

Some countries encourage teenagers to have part-time job and see it as a good thing, while others disagree. Give your opinion and explain both views. v. 2
Nowadays, an increasing number of people are concerned that teenagers need a part-time job, however, some others do not want adolescents to go to work early. In my opinion, getting a part-time job when students are still at school has pros and cons, therefore, I will discuss it in this writing. Firstly, it is obvious that for most students, the purpose of being a part-time worker, is to obtain practical knowledge and skills which they cannot learn at school. This is because that most teenager will graduate and enter the workplace, earning money for their own life. Secondly, adolenscents can arrange their time reasonably by having a part-time job, and they can learn how to manage their budgets and treasure every penny they earned. This means that a person who gains a new experience from working can become more independent. On the other hand, some teenagers tend to involve addictive substances when they have a part-time job. Young people have their own salaries and they can do what they want, thus, they will challenge the new things and do not care the result about that, for example, drink alcohol, use drugs, and smoke. These are the reasons why they cannot meet course requirements, failure on an exam, get bored with studying and absent from school. They will go down and might fall in illegal activities in the future. Moreover, teenagers cannot have their free time to do what they want if they work. In conclusion, I think being a part-time employee early has pros and cons that I mentioned above.
Nowadays, an increasing number of
people
are concerned
that
teenagers
need a part-time
job
,
however
,
some
others do not want adolescents to go to work early. In my opinion, getting a part-time
job
when students are
still
at school has pros and cons,
therefore
, I will discuss it in this writing.

Firstly
, it is obvious that for most students, the purpose of being a part-time worker, is to obtain practical knowledge and
skills
which they cannot learn at school. This is
because
that most
teenager
will graduate and enter the workplace, earning money for their
own
life.
Secondly
,
adolenscents
can arrange their time
reasonably
by having a part-time
job
, and they can learn how to manage their budgets and treasure every penny they earned. This means that a person who gains a new experience from working can become more independent.

On the other hand
,
some
teenagers
tend to involve addictive substances when they have a part-time
job
. Young
people
have their
own
salaries and
they can do what they want,
thus
, they will challenge the new things and do not care the result about that,
for example
, drink alcohol,
use
drugs, and smoke. These are the reasons why they cannot
meet
course requirements, failure on an exam,
get
bored with studying and absent from school. They will go down and might fall in illegal activities in the future.
Moreover
,
teenagers
cannot have their free time to do what they want if they work.

In conclusion
, I
think
being a part-time employee early has pros and cons that I mentioned above.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some countries encourage teenagers to have part-time job and see it as a good thing, while others disagree. Give your opinion and explain both views. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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