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Some countries encourage teenagers to have part time job and see it is a good thing, while others disagree. Give your opinion and explain both views. v.1

Some countries encourage teenagers to have part time job and see it is a good thing, while others disagree. Give your opinion and explain both views. v. 1
Most of the nation allows youngsters to do part time work which has many benefits for young people, it's considered to increase personality and a wise. However, some people do not believe in this thing, but I opine that teenagers should take up a part time job, because it can change their way of future development. To embark upon, some countries all over the world boost up the students and teenagers about part time jobs because they can see their life in a more complex way and get more experience to solve future problems. The part time work also gives the opportunity to make them independent and motivated. Moreover, it can help the teenagers to get know about the importance of money. When they will manage their financial things, they will learn about the value of savings. On the other hand, the few nations are not encouraging people about this work, because they considered it may a have bad impact on their studies. For example, when students are doing part time work, they cannot give their 100% in education. Their interest may increase to earn money and they may not attend the classes. Furthermore, many countries feel it as an extra burden on a teenager's life, therefore they do not promote these things. To recapitulate, it can be concluded that, these short term jobs have more benefits, because it motivated the youngsters for their overall development. I strongly agree with this idea that teenagers should take up part time jobs and learn more skills.
Most of the nation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
youngsters to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
which has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, it's considered to increase personality and a wise.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not believe in this thing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
should take up a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their way of future development.

To embark upon,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries all over the world boost up the students and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their life in a more complex way and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more experience to solve future problems. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
also
gives the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them independent and motivated.
Moreover
, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
know about the importance of money. When they will manage their financial things, they will learn about the value of savings.

On the other hand
, the few nations are not encouraging
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
about this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they considered it may a have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on their studies.
For example
, when students are doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they cannot give their 100% in education. Their interest may increase to earn
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
money and
they may not attend the classes.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries feel it as an extra burden on a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
's life,
therefore
they do not promote these things.

To recapitulate, it can
be concluded
that, these short term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
have more benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it motivated the youngsters for their
overall
development. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
should take up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and learn more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some countries encourage teenagers to have part time job and see it is a good thing, while others disagree. Give your opinion and explain both views. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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