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Some companies say that if an employee wants to smoke they must leave the building and smoke outside. This takes time away from work, and the employers insist that this time should be counted as break time. This may not be fair to the smokers who may have to wait a long time to get out of the building. How could this problem be resolved? v.3

Some companies say that if an employee wants to smoke they must leave the building and smoke outside. This takes time away from work, and the employers insist that this time should be counted as break time. This may not be fair to the smokers who may have to wait a long time to get out of the building. How could this problem be resolved? v. 3
It is a common concern among employers that their smoker employees take too much break and this few times should be counted as non-effective hours and even they should not be paid for them. In my opinion, employers are free to choose all of their employees among non-smokers and if they want to employ a smoker, they should not whine about some short breaks that they take to satiate their needs. Employers oddly believe that more someone works more s/he will earn. Although this belief turns out true for machines, it does not apply to the human resource. On the contrary, more a human being work, more personal needs arise and less productive would the work be. Employers that are seeking for productivity should appreciate the necessity of breaks, even if they believe that smoking is a bad habit, and provide enough breaks for anyone rather than counting employees who try to buy some time for them. If there is an honest concern for smokers' health and justice for non-smokers, probably the best solution would be that to encourage smokers to quit smoking. For instance, the sixth clean month of an old smoker could be awarded a little platelet or a cake that they can share with their colleagues to celebrate their healthy new lives. As a corollary to this, the number of breaks would decline. In conclusion, my personal view is that breaks are beneficial for birth employees and employers since the refreshed employee would remain productive. Therefore employers should think about giving more breaks to everyone rather than arguing on the breaks that smokers take. If they are not content with the frequency of breaks, they also have an option not to employ the smoker or they can try to wean their employees away from smoking by giving some incentives.
It is a common concern among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
that their smoker
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
take too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
and this few times should
be counted
as non-effective hours and even they should not
be paid
for them. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
are free to choose all of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
among non-smokers and if they want to employ a smoker, they should not whine about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breaks
that they take to satiate their needs.

Employers
oddly
believe that more someone works more s/he will earn. Although this belief turns out true for machines, it does not apply to the human resource.
On the contrary
,
Did you mean "a more human"?
more a human
being work, more personal needs arise and less productive would the work be.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Employers
that are seeking for productivity should appreciate the necessity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breaks
, even if they believe that smoking is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habit, and provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breaks
for anyone
rather
than counting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
who try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time for them.

If there is an honest concern for smokers' health and justice for non-smokers,
probably
the best solution would be that to encourage smokers to quit smoking.
For instance
, the sixth clean month of an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
smoker could
be awarded
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
platelet or a cake that they can share with their colleagues to celebrate their healthy new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. As a corollary to this, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breaks
would decline.

In conclusion
, my personal view is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breaks
are beneficial for birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
since the refreshed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
would remain productive.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about giving more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breaks
to everyone
rather
than arguing on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breaks
that smokers take. If they are not content with the frequency of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breaks
, they
also
have an option not to employ the
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
smoker or
they can try to wean their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
away from smoking by giving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
incentives.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some companies say that if an employee wants to smoke they must leave the building and smoke outside. This takes time away from work, and the employers insist that this time should be counted as break time. This may not be fair to the smokers who may have to wait a long time to get out of the building. How could this problem be resolved? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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