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Some companies like to employ younger and enthusiastic people; other companies like to employ older and experienced people. If you were a boss, whom kind of people do you like to employ. Give reasons and specific examples to illustrate your answer. v.1

Some companies like to employ younger and enthusiastic people; other companies like to employ older and experienced people. If you were a boss, whom kind of people do you like to employ. Give reasons and specific examples to illustrate your answer. v. 1
It is sometimes argued that school teachers have major roles in the social and mental development of their students compared to the parental role. While teachers contribute to the development of the students in many ways, I believe that the responsibility is held within the hands of parents to improve the social and intellectual growth of their children. Admittedly, teachers are important for the development of their students. On one hand, they teach them manners and discipline, including how to be a part of a team and how to properly communicate with others. School plays, for instance, are a perfect activity for students, in which they work together to present good shows. On the other hand, lessons discussed in class can enhance the children’s executive functions. Teachers can then raise debates among students to discuss information in order to build their logical and critical thinking. However, I believe that parents are mainly responsible for the social and cognitive growth of their children. Regarding social relationships, children inherit some of the characteristics of their parents, and they usually imitate their behaviors in different situations. For example, if one of the parents is violent and aggressive with others, it is most likely that the child will inherit these traits and could be violent while playing or with other friends. As for the intellectual development, children learn first from their parents as young as the age of months, and they know how to speak and use their senses from them. If the parental role was not apparent at early stages, children may lose their ability to learn and communicate. In conclusion, although teachers are an important factor for the development of social and intellectual skills in students, I believe that the parental role is much more crucial.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
have major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
compared to the parental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
contribute to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways, I believe that the responsibility
is held
within the hands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and intellectual growth of their children.

Admittedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. On one hand, they teach them manners and discipline, including how to be a part of a team and how to
properly
communicate with others. School plays,
for instance
, are a perfect activity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, in which they work together to present
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, lessons discussed in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
can enhance the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
executive functions.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Teachers
can then raise debates among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to discuss information in order to build their logical and critical thinking.

However
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
mainly
responsible for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and cognitive growth of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
relationships,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
inherit
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
characteristics of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, and they
usually
imitate their behaviors in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situations.
For example
, if one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is violent and aggressive with others, it is most likely that the child will inherit these traits and could be violent while playing or with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
friends. As for the intellectual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn
first
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
as young as the age of months, and they know how to speak and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their senses from them. If the parental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
was not apparent at early stages,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may lose their ability to learn and communicate.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
are an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and intellectual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, I believe that the parental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
is much more crucial.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some companies like to employ younger and enthusiastic people; other companies like to employ older and experienced people. If you were a boss, whom kind of people do you like to employ. Give reasons and specific examples to illustrate your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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