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Some people learn best when a classroom lesson is presented in an entertaining, enjoyable way. Other people learn best when a lesson is presented in a serious, formal way. Which of these two ways of learning do you prefer? Give reasons to support your ans v.1

Some people learn best when a classroom lesson is presented in an entertaining, enjoyable way. Other people learn best when a lesson is presented in a serious, formal way. Which of these two ways of learning do you prefer? Give reasons to support your ans v. 1
In recent decades, the problem of kids getting addicted to TV has received a great deal of public attention. Although this trend can be attributed to a whole host of reasons, some feasible solution can be considered to address it. There are a number of reasons to explain for why children like watching TV. First, since TV programs provide attractive and new contents with excellent visual and sound effects at their disposal, which triggers their curiosity, children tend to binge-watch most time. Second, by doing work and earning money constantly to meet the standard of living, parent pay less attention to their kids. This means that children have no many choices in taking activities, either playing sports or having a talk with their parents, which make them be relevant to watching TV for relaxation/mental rewards. Nevertheless, the problems above can be remedied, provided that some of the following preparatory steps are taken. First, in order to manage the time that kids spend on watching TV, parents should use an alarm system at home. For example, Samsung has distributed a smart TV with a mode called auto power off, which help parents can limit the hours that children are allowed to watching TV by turning off the TV after hours set. Second, if children have chances to join some outdoor activities or short courses frequently, they can improve themselves positively. This means that instead of sitting front of the screen all day long, kids will cultivate much more soft skills, like communication and problem solving, which helping them live a proactive lifestyle and have much success in the future. In conclusion, the addicting TV of children has become a dilemma, and some holistic approaches should be adopted. Only when concerted endeavours are made by teachers and parents can this thorny issue be resolved perfectly.
In recent decades, the problem of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
getting addicted to TV has received a great deal of public attention. Although this trend can
be attributed
to a whole host of reasons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
feasible solution can
be considered
to address it.

There are a number of reasons to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
for why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
like watching TV.
First
, since TV programs provide attractive and new contents with excellent visual and sound effects at their disposal, which triggers their curiosity,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to binge-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
most time. Second, by doing work and earning money
constantly
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the standard of living,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
pay less attention to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. This means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
choices in taking activities, either playing sports or having a talk with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them be relevant to watching TV for relaxation/mental rewards.

Nevertheless
, the problems above can
be remedied
, provided that
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
following preparatory steps
are taken
.
First
, in order to manage the time that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
spend on watching TV,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
an alarm system at home.
For example
, Samsung has distributed a smart TV with a mode called auto power off, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can limit the hours that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
Did you mean "watch"?
watching
TV by turning off the TV after hours set. Second, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have chances to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
outdoor activities or short courses
frequently
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
themselves
positively
. This means that
instead
of sitting front of the screen all day long,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
will cultivate much more soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, like communication and problem solving, which helping them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a proactive lifestyle and have much success in the future.

In conclusion
, the addicting TV of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has become a dilemma, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
holistic approaches should
be adopted
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
when concerted
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
are made
by teachers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can this thorny issue
be resolved
perfectly
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some people learn best when a classroom lesson is presented in an entertaining, enjoyable way. Other people learn best when a lesson is presented in a serious, formal way. Which of these two ways of learning do you prefer? Give reasons to support your ans v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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