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Some college students choose to take courses in a variety of subject in order to get a broad education v.1

Some college students choose to take courses in a variety of subject in order to get a broad education v. 1
It is often argued that the government ought to persuade companies to relocate to the countryside as the issues of traffic congestion and housing are on the rise in urban areas. In my firm conviction, the advantages associated with the above are much stronger than the disadvantages because it promotes rural development of a country to a greater extent. One of the disadvantages of the above is the high employee turnover due to the inability of integrating into the countryside. In other words, many employees already well settled in urban areas with their families and they would reluctant to move from their comfort zone. As a result, the firm may lose key players, which is largely detrimental to its progress. According to a study conducted in the UK, many firms consider relocation as challenging because it causes many capable employees to resign. Thus, it is evident companies would not be able to harness the benefits in the regional areas since a smooth integration is questionable. On the other hand, it is observed that rural areas in many countries are underdeveloped due to lack of attention of the government. By encouraging city firms to relocate, infrastructure improvements and increased job opportunities for local community can be attained, which inevitably foster the economic growth of a country. This is illustrated by the remarkable economic progression attained by Vietnam in 2015, with the government's decision to shift the apparel industry in cities to a regional zone. They could also solve the traffic congestion in cities to a great extent. Therefore, it is apparent that shifting of businesses to the regional areas brings stronger benefits, although is quite challenging for many firms. To conclude, although there are contradicting views on moving businesses to the rural areas, I strongly believe that nations are able to achieve a higher progress as it enhances the underdeveloped regions of the country. Therefore, advantages associated with this decision are outweighing the disadvantages.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
ought to persuade
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to relocate to the countryside as the issues of traffic congestion and housing are on the rise in urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. In my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
firm
conviction, the advantages associated with the above are much stronger than the disadvantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it promotes rural development of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to a greater extent.

One of the disadvantages of the above is the high employee turnover due to the inability of integrating into the countryside.
In other words
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employees already well settled in urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
with their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
families and
they
It seems that a verb or adverb has been misspelled or is missing here.
would reluctant
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
from their comfort zone.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
firm
may lose key players, which is
largely
detrimental to its progress. According to a study conducted in the UK,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
firms
consider relocation as challenging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
capable employees to resign.
Thus
, it is evident
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
would not be able to harness the benefits in the regional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
since a smooth integration is questionable.

On the other hand
, it
is observed
that rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are underdeveloped
due to lack of attention of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. By encouraging city
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
firms
to relocate, infrastructure improvements and increased job opportunities for local community can
be attained
, which
inevitably
foster the economic growth of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. This
is illustrated
by the remarkable economic progression attained by Vietnam in 2015, with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's decision to shift the apparel industry in cities to a regional zone. They could
also
solve the traffic congestion in cities to a great extent.
Therefore
, it is apparent that shifting of businesses to the regional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
brings stronger benefits, although is quite challenging for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
firms.

To conclude
, although there are contradicting views on moving businesses to the rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
, I
strongly
believe that nations are able to achieve a higher progress as it enhances the underdeveloped regions of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Therefore
, advantages associated with this decision are outweighing the disadvantages.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay Some college students choose to take courses in a variety of subject in order to get a broad education v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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