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Some believed that spending time with family and friends is the best while others believe that time should rather be spent on career improvement. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some believed that spending time with family and friends is the best while others believe that time should rather be spent on career improvement. v. 1
Family and friends is a unit of people that have common relationship together and one of the mutual relationship they share together is time. Some people opine that allocating time with family and friends is of great importance while others believe that time should be expended on occupational growth. I agree that use of time should be apportioned to relatives and close friends. On the one hand, some people are of the opinion that utilising time on career is beneficial in life. One of the reasons for this claim is that, there are retirement benefits that is attached after spending many years in an office. In addition, an employee enjoys promotion after some years of working with an organisation. For example, an organisation where I work with recently reviewed its occupational benefits for its staffs that has worked for 5years. This is part of career growth that add up to spending time in an organisation. Secondly, utilising time in a career development, connects an individual to substantial people in which ordinarily might be difficult to have a relationship with. Similarly its promotes recommendation in which a boss can decide to transfer such individual to supervise another branch. Therefore dedicating time in ones job brings about good result. On the other hand, other people suggested that utilising time with family and friends is the best and I concur. One of them is that they are reliable. In other words, getting supports from family and friends is essential especially in time of trouble. This could be financial and physical supports. To illustrate, a relative of mine was sacked and the only place he could get help was from his relatives. In essence keeping ensuring a good relationship with ones family promote peace and love. Also having a cordial relationship and spending much time with family and friends promotes peace in the society. This is because, no one would envy each others progress and it would also allow each persons to render help easily without returns. In conclusion, in as much as some people supports allocating time to career, I concede that expending time with family and friends is paramount.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
is a unit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that have common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
together and one of the mutual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
they share together is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that allocating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
is of great importance while others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should
be expended
on occupational growth. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should
be apportioned
to relatives and close friends.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilising' is British English.
utilising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
is beneficial in life. One of the reasons for this claim is that, there are retirement benefits that
is attached
after spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years in an office.
In addition
, an employee enjoys promotion after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
years of working with an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
.
For example
, an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
where I work with recently reviewed its occupational benefits for its staffs that has worked for 5years. This is part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
growth that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
up to spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
.
Secondly
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilising' is British English.
utilising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
development, connects an individual to substantial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in which
ordinarily
might be difficult to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
with.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Similarly
its promotes recommendation in which a boss can decide to transfer such individual to supervise another branch.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
dedicating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
Did you mean "one's"?
ones
job brings about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
result.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suggested that
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilising' is British English.
utilising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
is the best and I concur. One of them is that they are reliable. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, getting supports from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
is essential
especially
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of trouble. This could be financial and physical supports. To illustrate, a relative of mine
was sacked
and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
place he could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
was from his relatives. In essence keeping ensuring a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
with
Did you mean "one's"?
ones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
promote peace and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
.
Also
having a cordial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
and spending much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
promotes peace in the society. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, no one would envy each others progress and it would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "person"?
persons
to render
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
easily
without returns.

In conclusion
, in as much as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
supports
allocating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
, I concede that expending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
is paramount.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
46Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some believed that spending time with family and friends is the best while others believe that time should rather be spent on career improvement. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
357 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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