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Some believe that it is the responsibility of people to take care of the environment. Others say it is the government that should take care of the environment. Discuss v.2

Some believe that it is the responsibility of people to take care of the environment. Others say it is the government that should take care of the environment. Discuss v. 2
A very famous saying " Work is worship". It is said that the motive of each and every person from a professional world should be concentrating on the tasks given to them and not to form good relations with his colleagues. I support this claim to a large extent despite of some flaws. In all the organizations, employees are being paid for their work. This is because they are hired to make the company earn a profit and this will only happen when all the employees focus on their given task seriously. If a person is paid salary for the completion of tasks given to him, his main responsibility is to complete them with an utmost attention. For example, a 2018 study from Cambridge University showed that 65% of employees prefer to focus on their job rather than maintaining relationships at the workplace. As a result, the chances of getting promoted will be higher. However, keeping good relationships at workplace sometimes give moral support. No employees are capable of working only without spending some time for refreshment. To keep oneself rejuvenated after a hectic schedule, it is also necessary to spend time with your colleagues. For example, an article published in Times of India showed that 60% of employees who work enthusiastically during working hours used to spend some time with their co-worker to revitalize themselves. In the summary, It is necessary to have a balance of both - focusing on what are you being paid for and what you will require to be active during job hours. Therefore, it can be stated that the idea of concentrating on the tasks should be given more importance than keeping good relations with fellow-workers. I would like to recommend that an organization should keep at least half an hour for their workers to spend it together and chill out.
A
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
saying
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
"
Work is worship
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
. It
is said
that the motive of each and every person from a professional world should be concentrating on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tasks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to them and not to form
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
relations with his colleagues. I support this claim to a large extent
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
flaws.

In all the organizations,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are
being paid
for their work. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are hired
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
earn a profit and this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
happen when all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
focus on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
task
seriously
. If a person
is paid
salary for the completion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tasks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to him, his main responsibility is to complete them with an utmost attention.
For example
, a 2018 study from Cambridge University
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that 65% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
prefer to focus on their job
rather
than maintaining relationships at the workplace.
As a result
, the chances of getting promoted will be higher.

However
, keeping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
relationships at workplace
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
give moral support. No
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are capable of working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
without spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for refreshment. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
oneself rejuvenated after a hectic schedule, it is
also
necessary to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with your colleagues.
For example
, an article published in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Times
of India
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that 60% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
who work
enthusiastically
during working hours
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their co-worker to revitalize themselves.

In the summary, It is necessary to have a balance of both
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
focusing on what are you
being paid
for and what you will require to be active during job hours.
Therefore
, it can
be stated
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of concentrating on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tasks
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more importance than keeping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
relations with fellow-workers. I would like to recommend that an organization should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
at least half an hour for their workers to spend it together and chill out.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay Some believe that it is the responsibility of people to take care of the environment. Others say it is the government that should take care of the environment. Discuss v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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