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Some animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in the sea. What are the reason? What solution to solve them? v.2

Some animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in the sea. What are the reason? What solution to solve them? v. 2
There is a growing concern that the extinction of animal species are more popular because of the impact of human on land and in the sea. Although there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of this trend, societies can take steps to mitigate these serious problems. To begin with, the phenomenon can be attributable to two principal factors. One of the most serious reasons which threaten animal’s life is the natural forest is destroyed to build factories and houses. To be more specific, cutting trees in forest is essential to have more places for building to meet the demand of social development. Therefore, some animal species could be lost their houses and they can be caught easier which leads to the higher extinct dange. Another worrying trend is the pollution of sea environment due to the development of tourism in recent years. As a matter of fact, visitors who could litter into the sea and oil released from boats carrying them are two main reasons of the extinction of marine animals. It is not impossible to tackle such problem as there are promising solutions that people can make use of. The first measure which should be taken in order to deal with harmful human activities is that government must have strict punishment for deforesting. On the other hand, if they have to construct a project in forest, above-ground animal species living in that environment need to be moved to the zoo to be protected. Secondly, one way to solve this problem is the raise of individual’s awareness. For example, people should be taught about how to protect sea environment and endanger species living there when they were children. As a result, they can understand about the importance o animal species and have a better awareness to preserve the natural environment. In conclusion, although human activities could affect animal’s life not only on land but also submarine environment when causing various adverse results, some appropriate steps need to be taken to resolve these issues.
There is a growing concern that the extinction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
species are more popular
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the impact of human on land and in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sea
. Although there will
undoubtedly
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences of this trend, societies can take steps to mitigate these serious problems.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the phenomenon can be attributable to two principal factors. One of the most serious reasons which threaten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal’s
life is the natural forest is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
to build factories and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
. To be more specific, cutting trees in forest is essential to have more places for building to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the demand of social development.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
species could
be lost
their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
houses and
they can
be caught
easier which leads to the higher extinct
Possible spelling mistake found.
dange
. Another worrying trend is the pollution of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sea
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
due to the development of tourism in recent years. As a matter of fact, visitors who could litter into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sea
and oil released from boats carrying them are two main reasons of the extinction of marine animals.

It is not impossible to tackle such problem as there are promising solutions that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of. The
first
measure which should
be taken
in order to deal with harmful human activities is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have strict punishment for deforesting.
On the other hand
, if they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
construct a project in forest, above-ground
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
species living in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
need to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
to the zoo to
be protected
.
Secondly
, one way to solve this problem is the raise of individual’s awareness.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
be taught
about how to protect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sea
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
and endanger species living there when they were children.
As a result
, they can understand about the importance o
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
species and have a better awareness to preserve the natural environment.

In conclusion
, although human activities could affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal’s
life not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on land
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
submarine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
when causing various adverse results,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
appropriate steps need to
be taken
to resolve these issues.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in the sea. What are the reason? What solution to solve them? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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