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Animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in the sea. What are the reasons and solutions v.1

Animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in the sea. What are the reasons and solutions v. 1
Mother Nature abundantly showered the humankind with all the necessary amenities to live. But, humans, who doesn't value the worth of nature, have spoilt all the natural resources for their development, which has resulted in endangering many of the animal and plant species. In the following paragraphs, we are going to discuss the causes and remedies for these issues. Firstly, industrialization, population and irresponsible usage of plastics have led to the contamination of land and water bodies. Especially, oceans are the dump yards for all the plastic, atomic and chemical wastes from the industries. Which has endangered many sea organisms and some are extinct now. For example, Whales are going to become extinct in another 30 years as their reproduction is affected by the radioactive materials dumped into the Pacific Ocean. Secondly, hunting has also become a threat to the survival of certain animals. For instance, the polar bears are hunted for its skin to make cosmetics, which has reduced the count of polar bears all over the world from 3700 to 53 in a decade. On the one hand, to prevent the contamination and pollution caused by the industrial development should be regularised and institutions who doesn't abide by the law should be penalised extremely. On the other hand, more research is needed to optimize the waste management, fishing, plastic usage, etc. . Moreover, people should have the responsibility to discourage the sale of the products that use animal parts such as, animal skin dresses and accessories, cosmetics, decorative items, etc. For example, rhinos are mostly killed for its horn, to make home decors which has a huge market in Thailand. People should boycott these items which will result no need of hunting. To recapitulate, human development should not harm the nature or any other species as they also have equal rights to survive on this planet. Besides, environmental issues caused by the humans have resulted as a threat to many living things. Being environment-friendly is the main solution to this issue and we should try to repair the damage that has been already by being responsible by recycling the wastes.
Mother Nature
abundantly
showered the humankind with all the necessary amenities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, humans, who doesn't value the worth of nature, have
Possible spelling mistake. 'spoilt' is British English.
spoilt all
the natural resources for their development, which has resulted in endangering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
and plant species. In the following paragraphs, we are going to discuss the causes and remedies for these issues.

Firstly
, industrialization, population and irresponsible usage of plastics have led to the contamination of land and water bodies.
Especially
, oceans are the dump yards for all the plastic, atomic and chemical wastes from the industries. Which has endangered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sea organisms and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are extinct
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.
For example
, Whales are going to become extinct in another 30 years as their reproduction is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the radioactive materials dumped into the Pacific Ocean.
Secondly
, hunting has
also
become a threat to the survival of certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
.
For instance
, the polar bears
are hunted
for its skin to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
cosmetics, which has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the count of polar bears all over the world from 3700 to 53 in a decade.

On the one hand, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the contamination and pollution caused by the industrial development should be
Possible spelling mistake. 'regularised' is British English.
regularised
and institutions who
Did you mean "do"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'institutions' should be used.
doesn
't abide by the law should be
Possible spelling mistake. 'penalised' is British English.
penalised
extremely
.
On the other hand
, more research
is needed
to optimize the waste management, fishing, plastic usage, etc.
Two consecutive dots
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should have the responsibility to discourage the sale of the products that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
parts such as,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
skin dresses and accessories, cosmetics, decorative items, etc.
For example
, rhinos are
mostly
killed for its horn, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
home decors which has a huge market in Thailand.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
should boycott these items which will result no need of hunting.

To recapitulate, human development should not harm the nature or any other species as they
also
have equal rights to survive on this planet.
Besides
, environmental issues caused by the humans have resulted as a threat to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
living things. Being environment-friendly is the main solution to this
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
issue and
we should try to repair the damage that has been already by being responsible by recycling the wastes.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in the sea. What are the reasons and solutions v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
352 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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