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The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea. What are the reasons and solutions? v.1

The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea. What are the reasons and solutions? v. 1
It has been repetitively argued that extinction of numerous land and sea creatures is becoming a rising global concern due to excessive human practices. This, mainly, is because of killing of animals as a sport or in order to earn profit, and laws for animal protection, in addition to awareness are needed to tackle this issue. Animal life on land, as well as in the waters, is becoming increasingly threatened due to human involvement. To explain, illegal trade of body parts of exotic living creatures for monetary gains is one of the most obvious reasons for these animals becoming endangered. For example, the White Rhinoceros species has been wiped out from the earth due to extensive and illegal poaching to obtain and sell their precious horns. Moreover, some animals and birds are killed for sports and recreational purposes. This, consequently leads to a decline in population of the hunted species. To address this matter, the concerned authorities should, first of all, introduce effective laws that prohibit the hunting of animals that are threatened to become endangered. Such practices should be labelled as criminal, and strict punishments and heavy fines should be imposed so as to deter those who participate in such criminal activities. Additionally, the general public should not only be made properly aware of the consequences that can be caused as a result of extinction, but also trained about the various methods to tackle the concern. For instance, various animal rights organizations should arrange talks and seminars that inform people about the impact that extinction has on human life and the environment. In conclusion, extinction is evolving as a serious threat to wildlife due to uncontrolled sporting activities and illegal hunting. However, efforts can be made to solve this issue by educating the public about the significance of these animals and by formulating stricter laws to save the threatened species.
It has been
repetitively
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extinction
of numerous land and sea creatures is becoming a rising global concern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to excessive human practices. This,
mainly
, is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of killing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
as a sport or in order to earn profit, and laws for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
protection,
in addition
to awareness
are needed
to tackle this issue.

Animal life on land,
as well
as in the waters, is becoming
increasingly
threatened
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to human involvement. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
, illegal trade of body parts of exotic living creatures for monetary gains is one of the most obvious reasons for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
becoming endangered.
For example
, the White Rhinoceros species has
been wiped
out from the earth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to extensive and illegal poaching to obtain and sell their precious horns.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and birds
are killed
for sports and recreational purposes. This,
consequently
leads to a decline in population of the hunted species.

To address this matter, the concerned authorities should,
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
, introduce effective laws that prohibit the hunting of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
that
are threatened
to become endangered. Such practices should
be labelled
as criminal, and strict punishments and heavy fines should
be imposed
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
deter those who participate in such criminal activities.
Additionally
, the
Consider using "public".
general public
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be made
properly
aware of the consequences that can
be caused
as a result
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extinction
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
trained about the various methods to tackle the concern.
For instance
, various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
rights organizations should arrange talks and seminars that inform
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
about the impact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extinction
has on human life and the environment.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extinction
is evolving as a serious threat to wildlife
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to uncontrolled sporting activities and illegal hunting.
However
, efforts can
be made
to solve this issue by educating the public about the significance of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and by formulating stricter laws to save the threatened species.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea. What are the reasons and solutions? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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