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Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia. As many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.1

Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia. As many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. v. 1
The increasing ratio of obesity among children in Australia has dramatically increased. It is often argued that schools should focus on their health by managing their diet and work out schedule. However, I believe that this is the parent's responsibility because children spend their maximum time with their parents, and the teacher is responsible for educating them to make them a good human being. Firstly, to curb child obesity, parents are the primary resource. Parents have prime importance in any child's life. Parents are the ones who spend most of their time with their children and vice-versa. Therefore, they have to check all the meal ingredients from the start of the day till the end — also, its parent's responsibility to give a healthy meal in Childs tiffan for a school lunch break. Moreover, parents have to maintain their kid's health; they have to take them for sports activities like swimming or other outdoor sports on the ground periodically. On the other hand, I think, in terms of children's health, the teacher can notify the parents. Sometimes both parents work and spending less time with children, so when teachers inform them, they can plan something regarding the child's health. The primary responsibility of a teacher is to educate the children and make them responsible citizens of society. That's why I believe that a teacher is not liable to monitor and maintain child diets and physical activity. To conclude, the increasing rate of childhood obesity in Australia is worrisome. Therefore parents should manage their children's health by monitoring their diet and physical activities.
The increasing ratio of obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in Australia has
dramatically
increased. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that schools should focus on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
by managing their diet and work out schedule.
However
, I believe that this is the parent's responsibility
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their maximum time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
is responsible for educating them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
human being.

Firstly
, to curb child obesity,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the primary resource.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
have prime importance in any child's life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
are the ones who spend most of their time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and vice-versa.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
all the meal ingredients from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
of the day till the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
—
also
, its parent's responsibility to give a healthy meal in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Childs
Possible spelling mistake found.
tiffan
for a school lunch break.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
maintain their kid's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
; they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take them for sports activities like swimming or other outdoor sports on the ground
periodically
.

On the other hand
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, in terms of children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
can notify the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
work and spending less time with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
inform them, they can plan something regarding the child's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. The primary responsibility of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
is to educate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them responsible citizens of society. That's why I believe that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
is not liable to monitor and maintain child diets and physical activity.

To conclude
, the increasing rate of childhood obesity in Australia is worrisome.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should manage their children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
by monitoring their diet and physical activities.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia. As many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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