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Social media is becoming increasingly popular amongst all age groups. However, sharing personal information on social media websites does have risks. Do you think that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages? v.10

Social media is becoming increasingly popular amongst all age groups. However, sharing personal information on social media websites does have risks. Do you think that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages? v. 10
Nowadays, in the world of technology and information flow, the Internet and Social Networking has become a common practice for people of all ages. Although, the information flow and leak has a numerous disadvantages, I believe that Social Media is more beneficial for contemporary society. A development of the Internet and use of Social Media has brought a number of benefits. First of all, Social Media platforms has unlocked the ways for communication with people throughout the globe, which ensures a better learning and understanding of other cultures. Secondly, those platforms also provide an opportunity to expand one’s personal interests, such as hobbies thanks to the information sharing in various online communities and groups. For instance, with my personal interest in cosmetics and skin care, I found it extremely useful to follow some of the skin care experts in Instagram and Facebook. However, there surely are obvious threats and drawbacks of Social media. Firstly, due to lack of parental control, children and teenagers are in danger of being exposed to an inappropriate content, that could affect their mental state. Besides, a possible leak of personal data could endanger a private life and even lead to frauds or real-life danger. As shown by news, there were many cases, when leak of celebrities’ personal information attracted a mentally unstable stalkers, who have put actor’s or actress’s life under a risk. To conclude, it must be said that Social Media use contains a lot of danger to one’s personal life, and it is everybody’s choice whether to upload data. However, I personally believe that with the possibility of self and global development, the benefits of Social Media outweigh its drawbacks.
Nowadays, in the world of technology and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
flow, the Internet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
Networking has become a common practice for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of all ages. Although, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
flow and leak has a numerous
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "disadvantage"?
disadvantages
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Media
is more beneficial for contemporary society.

A development of the Internet and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Media
has brought a number of benefits.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Media
platforms has unlocked the ways for communication with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
throughout the globe, which ensures a better learning and understanding of other cultures.
Secondly
, those platforms
also
provide an opportunity to expand one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
interests, such as hobbies thanks to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
sharing in various online communities and groups.
For instance
, with my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
interest in cosmetics and skin care, I found it
extremely
useful to follow
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
skin care experts in Instagram and Facebook.

However
, there
surely
are obvious threats and drawbacks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
Firstly
, due to lack of parental control, children and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of
being exposed
to an inappropriate content, that could affect their mental state.
Besides
, a possible leak of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
data could endanger a private life and even lead to frauds or real-life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
. As shown by news, there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases, when leak of celebrities’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
attracted a mentally unstable stalkers, who have put actor’s or actress’s life under a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.

To conclude
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be said
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
contains
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
to one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
life, and it is everybody’s choice whether to upload data.
However
, I
personally
believe that with the possibility of self and global development, the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Media
outweigh its drawbacks.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Social media is becoming increasingly popular amongst all age groups. However, sharing personal information on social media websites does have risks. Do you think that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages? v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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