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Some people say that olympic games do not have any role to play in society. To what extend do you agree or disagree. v.1

Some people say that olympic games do not have any role to play in society. v. 1
Sports uplift the standard of health, wealth and good relationship. Presently, roughly masses assert that the Olympic games are worthless to be organized by nation. Here, I would like to discord with the given statement. There are manifold points to support my point of view, first and foremost, the Olympic games are major sources for talented players to earn name and fame along with money. Thus, they will not get glorify the name of their family, but also set prestige reputation of their country. Beside this, players can lead a standard lifestyle with a hefty sum of money earn through prizes. Further more emphasizing on my point of view, today's masses are fully dependent on gadgets. Olympic games provide a platform for social communication by interacting with citizens of different nations. Thus, they become sociable. Moreover, sports help to boost the economy of the nation by travel and tourism of players from distinct countries. A research has shown that 30% of the economy boost with the help of Olympic games. In addition to it, the masses do not have time for themselves as they are busy in earning their bread and butter. So, Olympic games give them a good opportunity to spend some time with their family and they can create some memories together. To be recapitulate, I firmly believe that children get many gadgets regarding sports like tennis, badminton, football, volleyball, rugby, and many more games. So, they get vast their area of knowledge in the field of the Olympic games.
Sports uplift the standard of health, wealth and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
relationship.
Presently
, roughly masses assert that the Olympic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are worthless to
be organized
by nation. Here, I would like to discord with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement.

There are manifold points to support my point of view,
first
and foremost, the Olympic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are major sources for talented players to earn name and fame along with money.
Thus
, they will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
glorify the name of their family,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
set prestige reputation of their country. Beside this, players can lead a standard lifestyle with a hefty sum of money earn through prizes.

Further
more emphasizing on my point of view,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's masses are
fully
dependent on gadgets. Olympic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
provide a platform for social communication by interacting with citizens of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations.
Thus
, they become sociable.
Moreover
, sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to boost the economy of the nation by travel and tourism of players from distinct countries.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
has shown that 30% of the economy boost with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of Olympic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
In addition
to it, the masses do not have time for themselves as they are busy in earning their bread and butter.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, Olympic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
give them a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
opportunity to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time with their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
family and
they can create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
memories together.

To be
Consider using a past participle here: "recapitulated".
recapitulate
, I
firmly
believe that children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
gadgets regarding sports like tennis, badminton, football, volleyball, rugby, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
vast their area of knowledge in the field of the Olympic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Some people say that olympic games do not have any role to play in society. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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