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Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.3

Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. v. 3
Some individuals hold the opinion that it should avoid hiring young females who have not had babies due to avoiding the cost of maternity leave future. I disagree with this point because firstly, it breaks the basic rule of human right and secondly, it would cause negative effects on whole state's economy. This way is opposite with the basic moral. From the perspective of human right, there are totally different between individuals on the aspect of physically, but their personalities are equal, and they should be treated as the same way in the labour market. In other words, different with knowledge or experience, age and gender cannot be changed by any oneself, which is unfair to these young women. For example, many capticalists would like to ask females question that are you single, in relationship or married when they hire a young woman in Taiwan, in order to estimate the probability of paying maternity leave in next few years, which leads to many females under the huge stress and even influence their personal life in the period of finding job. In addition, this way could bring the greater economic issue potentially. Some people might argue that minimize the cost of company is necessary for an employer. However, from the view of the whole country, if every company's owner does such thing, almost females will be very hard to find a job. In this case, the rate of unemployment will be high significantly, the finacial burden of social welfare will be serious. That will be a disaster for a nation. For instance, after finacial crisis of 2008, many employers no more hire the females employees and even fire a lot of women, which did not cure the economic problem of Japan and made the low increasing rate to be maintained until now. In conclusion, I strongly disagree with the way of avoiding recruiting young females who do not have family, because this will violate the human rights and impact the economy from the macro-perspective.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals hold the opinion that it should avoid hiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
who have not had babies due to avoiding the cost of maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
future. I disagree with this point
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
firstly
, it breaks the basic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
of human right and
secondly
, it would cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on whole state's economy.

This way is opposite with the basic moral. From the perspective of human right, there are
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
between individuals on the aspect of
physically
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their personalities are equal, and they should
be treated
as the same way in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market.
In other words
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
with knowledge or experience, age and gender cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
by any oneself, which is unfair to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
women.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake found.
capticalists
would like to ask
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
question that are you single, in relationship or married when they hire a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
woman in Taiwan, in order to estimate the probability of paying maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
in
next
few years, which leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
under the huge
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and even influence their personal life in the period of finding job.

In addition
, this way could bring the greater economic issue
potentially
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might argue that minimize the cost of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
is necessary for an employer.
However
, from the view of the whole country, if every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's owner does such thing, almost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to find a job.
In this case
, the rate of unemployment will be high
significantly
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
finacial
burden of social welfare will be serious. That will be a disaster for a nation.
For instance
, after
Possible spelling mistake found.
finacial
crisis of 2008,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employers no more hire the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
employees and even fire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
women, which did not cure the economic problem of Japan and made the low increasing rate to
be maintained
until
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
disagree with the way of avoiding recruiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
who do not have family,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this will violate the human rights and impact the economy from the macro-perspective.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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