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Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. v. 1
It is considered that corporations ought to not recruit young females who do not have their own family, so that they would not be liable to pay them in their maternity leave later on. I completely disagree with this notion, as young women are energetic and some departments would not be able to run without them. Companies should recruit young women since they are more energetic and competitive. Females who are in their young age can work for long hours in the workforce environment for the betterment of the organization they are working for. Similarly, young females are hardworking, due to their advance education, and can cope with an arduous situation relating to the functions or tasks at office. A report by the Harvard University in 2018 showed that women in their 20-29 age group are more achieving and possessing the higher stamina for working longer time at the workforce environment. Therefore, corporations should consider young females in the recruitment process. Another reason that corporations should recruit young females because they may not be able to run some departments without them. There are some areas which can be managed sophisticatedly by the presence of young female workers. Customer Relationship department, for instance, could be run better if it consists of female customer officers, owing to the fact that customer care and queries can be proficiently managed by them. Thus, companies should make sure to take young women workers due to their inevitable role in some departments. In conclusion, it is argued that young women who do not have their family should not be taken into consideration in the recruitment process, owing to the paid maternity leave given to them. Whereas, I fully disagree with this concept, as young female workers are more energetic and enduring, and some areas could not be managed without them.
It
is considered
that corporations ought to not recruit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
who do not have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
family,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they would not be liable to pay them in their maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
later on. I completely disagree with this notion, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are energetic and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
departments would not be able to run without them.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Companies
should recruit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
since they are more energetic and competitive.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Females
who are in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
age can work for long hours in the workforce environment for the betterment of the organization they are working for.
Similarly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are hardworking, due to their advance education, and can cope with an arduous situation relating to the functions or tasks at office. A report by the Harvard University in 2018
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in their 20-29 age group are more achieving and possessing the higher stamina for working longer time at the workforce environment.
Therefore
, corporations should consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in the recruitment process.

Another reason that corporations should recruit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they may not be able to run
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
departments without them. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
areas which can
be managed
Possible spelling mistake found.
sophisticatedly
by the presence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
workers. Customer Relationship department,
for instance
, could
be run
better if it consists of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
customer officers, owing to the fact that customer care and queries can be
proficiently
managed by them.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
workers due to their inevitable role in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
departments.

In conclusion
, it
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who do not have their family should not
be taken
into consideration in the recruitment process, owing to the paid maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to them. Whereas, I
fully
disagree with this concept, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
workers are more energetic and enduring, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
areas could not
be managed
without them.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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