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Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. v. 2
It is believed that a small organization should not conscript single women so that the cost of maternity leave will be avoided. In my opinion, despite the downfall in the paying of maternity leave, I disagree on this idea because hiring young women have several benefits, but mainly, it is an evident discrimination on gender. It has been required by the law that all companies must grant maternity leave benefits to their staff. It will be beneficial to all female employees but in a certain degree, companies will be affected negatively especially on the side of small-scale businesses. For a reason, that small companies do not have enough fund to support this regulation in all their female employees. Taken, for example, three girl staffs get pregnant within the same year, definitely, financial and staffing problem will arise. However, the intention of not qualifying all young ladies to a certain job is undoubtedly a sign of discrimination. Eventually, such circumstances would be known by the people, causing a bad reputation to the firm. In addition, recruiting an unmarried woman may decrease the company cost, for instance, experienced personnel demand for a high compensation whereas newly graduates tend to focus on finding a job to gain experience regardless of salary offered. Moreover, several employers favor single women staff owing to their flexibility and dedication to work. As a matter of fact, they can work extra hours compared to a family person whose priorities, focus, and time is divided between career and family. To conclude, small companies have been facing issues regarding maternity leave payments but barring females applicant to be employed is not an effective solution nor a reasonable one. All organization should also consider their positive impact on the business in general.
It
is believed
that a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
organization should not conscript single women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the cost of maternity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leave
will
be avoided
. In my opinion, despite the downfall in the paying of maternity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leave
, I disagree on this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
hiring young women have several benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
mainly
, it is an evident discrimination on gender.

It has
been required
by the law that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
grant maternity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leave
benefits to their staff. It will be beneficial to all female employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in a certain degree,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
negatively
especially
on the side of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
-scale businesses. For a reason, that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
fund to support this regulation in all their female employees. Taken,
for example
, three girl staffs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
pregnant within the same year, definitely, financial and staffing problem will arise.

However
, the intention of not qualifying all young ladies to a certain job is
undoubtedly
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of discrimination.
Eventually
, such circumstances would
be known
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, causing a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
reputation to the firm.
In addition
, recruiting an unmarried woman may decrease the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
cost,
for instance
, experienced personnel demand for a high compensation whereas
newly
graduates tend to focus on finding a job to gain experience regardless of salary offered.
Moreover
, several employers favor single women staff owing to their flexibility and dedication to work. As a matter of fact, they can work extra hours compared to a family person whose priorities, focus, and time
is divided
between career and family.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
have been facing issues regarding maternity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leave
payments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
barring females applicant to
be employed
is not an effective solution nor a reasonable one. All organization should
also
consider their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the business
in general
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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