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Small business should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what level do you agree or disagree? v.1

Small business should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what level v. 1
In an organisation, the Company has a policy and procedure set for all the type of staff. Medium size enterprises must not hire young female who does not have their own family in order to restrict payment of maternity leave. I completely disagree with the notion because it is discrimination done by the employers and also stoping this female from becoming independent. To begin with, People opposing for hiring female at age of 20s considering future payments related to maternity benefit are absolutely discriminating. It is a fundamental right of the people to decide having a baby at the initial or latter stage is up to the staff. Selecting the staff based on this family background is doing injustice in society. All the female have right to decide about their future and family and companies do not have authority to decide. For instance, In USA, organisation can hire a male or female of any age and there is not such segregation of staff done. Furthermore, SME organisation restricting hiring of alone lady staff is obstructing them individually. Female in most urban cities opts to stay alone without taking the support of their parents. In order to survive alone, they need money and hence they work in small stores and entities to meet their daily needs requirement. If women decide to lead life happily without any support from their relative it is his own decision to do so, organisation need to be concerned with the work and should not stop female in leading a happy life solely. Example of USA, Teenager girls leaves their parents house after 18 and by federal law, they have complete authority to decide on their own. In conclusion, Discrimanting and independence are two reasons for my strong disagreement for this notion.
In an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Company
has a policy and procedure set for all the type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
. Medium size enterprises
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not hire young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
who does not have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
family in order to restrict payment of maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
. I completely disagree with the notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is discrimination done by the employers and
also
Possible spelling mistake found.
stoping
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
from becoming independent.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
opposing for hiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
at age of 20s considering future payments related to maternity benefit are
absolutely
discriminating. It is a fundamental right of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decide
having a baby at the initial or latter stage is up to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
. Selecting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
based on this family background is doing injustice in society. All the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
have right to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decide
about their future and family and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
do not have authority to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decide
.
For instance
, In USA,
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
can hire a male or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
of any age and there is not such segregation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
done.

Furthermore
, SME
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
restricting hiring of alone lady
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
is obstructing them
individually
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Female
in most urban cities opts to stay alone without taking the support of their parents. In order to survive alone, they need money and
hence
they work in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
stores and entities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their daily needs requirement. If women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decide
to lead life
happily
without any support from their relative it is his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decision to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
need to
be concerned
with the work and should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
in leading a happy life
solely
. Example
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the USA".
of USA
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenager
girls
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
their parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
after 18 and by federal law, they have complete authority to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decide
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.

In conclusion
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Discrimanting
and independence are two reasons for my strong disagreement for this notion.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Small business should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what level v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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