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Many sports players advertise sport-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v.1

Many sports players advertise sport-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 1
Sports athletes have quiet the influence, especially on teenagers. They are admired and loved for the spirit that they promote, but also for their great looks and bodies. Many people would love to look like the sport stars that they see, and so, the media takes advantage of that and uses athletes to merchandise their products. Nevertheless, what could be the impact of this? Some of the advantages of these campaigns would include better health and hygiene. Lots of sportsmen promote health-related products, from running sneakers to antitoxin water to sport machines. . . Etc. They also make advertisement about the sort of deodorants, sprays and shampoos that they use. Given that, many sport followers would be inclined to buy the same products that these players promote, and use it to improve their health and looks. However, there are some disadvantages to this. Some of the advertised products are too expensive and aren't quiet suitable to many users. For instance, some sports machines can cause a lot of harm if misused. And since plenty of people tend to copy their idols' every move; they would rush to buy these things regardless of the cost-that might not suit their income- and regardless of their capabilities. This can result in them harming themselves or ending up with lower money in their bank accounts and they don’t even realise the damage. In conclusion, athletes have a great influence, but they should try using that influence to benefit their audience, rather than trying to make extra money out of it.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
athletes have quiet the influence,
especially
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. They
are admired
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
for the spirit that they promote,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for their great looks and bodies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to look like the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
stars that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, the media takes advantage of that and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
athletes to merchandise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
Nevertheless
, what could be the impact of this?

If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
advantages of these campaigns would include better health and hygiene. Lots of sportsmen promote health-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, from running sneakers to antitoxin water to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
machines.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Etc. They
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
advertisement about the sort of deodorants, sprays and shampoos that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
followers would
be inclined
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
that these players promote, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health and looks.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages to this.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
advertised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are too expensive and aren't quiet suitable to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
users.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
machines can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
harm if misused. And since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to copy their idols' every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
; they would rush to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
these things regardless of the cost-that might not suit their income- and regardless of their capabilities. This can result in them harming themselves or ending up with lower money in their bank
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
accounts and
they don’t even
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
the damage.

In conclusion
, athletes have a great influence,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they should try using that influence to benefit their audience,
rather
than trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
extra money out of it.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Many sports players advertise sport-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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