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Should young people follow older people’s example or it’s good for them to challenge older ‘s opinion and thoughts. Discuss both of the views and give your opinion. v.1

Should young people follow older people’s example or it’s good for them to challenge older ‘s opinion and thoughts. v. 1
In this cyber era, people began to question whether the young generation should follow the older generation or not. Some people believed that following the footstep of the elders is beneficial for the young whereas others refute to that notion as the youth has the rights to make a path of themselves. In my opinion, it is vital for the younger generations to respect and follow their advice and opinions, though certain consideration is needed in some aspect. First of all, the elders have lived more than half a century and therefore, are more experiences in many aspects of life. They have faced through many challenges and hurdles throughout their life so they are more knowledgeable, and this knowledges and experiences can be an essential asset to the future generation. As a result, the next generation enable to create a better living than past generation as they will not repeat the same mistake as the older ones. Besides that, their advice can be very crucial to the young ones as they will be able more aware of the situation than before. For example, nature remedies for ailments done by the elders can be useful knowledge for future generation to find cure for incurable diseases such as cancer and lymphoma. On the other hand, not everything the old people say can be completely trusted. Some of them has a very strong superstitious belief and opinion that can hinder the development of the future and even may cause harm to the society. For instance, the elders believed that vaccination is detrimental to health of the baby and disease are due to the sin of the people. As a result, sever illness such as measles and mumps reemerged in this era as more people follow that belief and do not allow their children to be vaccinated. In conclusion, I believe that old people’s opinions are definitely vital for a better future living, however as the world changing constantly, we must be conscious of certain opinion as some can be utter nonsense or even detrimental to our life.
In this cyber era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
began to question whether the young generation should follow the older generation or not.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believed that following the footstep of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
is beneficial for the young whereas others refute to that notion as the youth has the rights to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a path of themselves. In my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
, it is vital for the younger generations to respect and follow their advice and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinions
, though certain consideration
is needed
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
aspect.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
more than half a century and
therefore
, are more experiences in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects of life. They have faced through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
challenges and hurdles throughout their life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they are more knowledgeable, and
Did you mean "these"?
this
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledges
and experiences can be an essential asset to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
generation.
As a result
, the
next
generation enable to create a better living than past generation as they will not repeat the same mistake as the older ones.
Besides
that, their advice can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial to the young ones as they will be able more aware of the situation than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
For example
, nature remedies for ailments done by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
can be useful knowledge for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
generation to find cure for incurable diseases such as cancer and lymphoma.

On the other hand
, not everything the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say can be completely trusted.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
strong superstitious belief and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
that can hinder the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
and even may cause harm to the society.
For instance
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
believed that vaccination is detrimental to health of the baby and disease are due to the sin of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
As a result
, sever illness such as measles and mumps reemerged in this era as more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
follow that belief and do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their children to
be vaccinated
.

In conclusion
, I believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinions
are definitely vital for a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
living,
however
as the world changing
constantly
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be conscious of certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
can be utter nonsense or even detrimental to our life.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Should young people follow older people’s example or it’s good for them to challenge older ‘s opinion and thoughts. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
344 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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