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Should young people follow older people s example or it s good for them to challenge older people s opinions and thoughts Discuss both views and give your own opinion v.1

Should young people follow older people s example or it s good for them to challenge older people s opinions and thoughts 1
Some would argue that online games are not good for kids. While, others consider that they can be beneficial. Although, video games are benefiting young people, but I believe that children adopt this kind of lazy lifestyle and ignore physical activities does deteriorate health. The main advantages of playing online games for young person, they can develop their linguistic skills in an authenticate context. This may lead to the development of second language which can benefit in near future. For example, while playing online games a young child can chat with American or British teammates during games. It is a kind of the language learning process in an enjoyable way, games such as PUBG or WarCraft. Despite of, getting fluent in a language, I believe, video games an addictive and it is hard for kids to get into other activities and when it comes to exercising they ignore and adopt a lazy lifestyle. Kids get easily addicted to these types of computer games. As these games are designed so well that, on completion of each task participant win points, So winning and gaining points at every stage in gaming world, thus releases dopamine in the brain, eventually they get addicted to video games and completely ignores exercising, prone to diseases such as diabetes and heart attacks in the future. For example, recently a survey on addictive video games people conducted by Oxford university found that the life span of these people is very short due to less physical activities and chances suffering from heart diseases is in these people. To conclude, though online games are helpful to learn languages. However, I believe that physical activities do wonders in a person’s life fighting against diseases through willpower.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for kids.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, others consider that they can be beneficial. Although,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are benefiting young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that children adopt this kind of lazy lifestyle and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
does deteriorate health.

The main advantages of playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for young person, they can develop their linguistic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in
After 'an', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'authenticate' is correct. If 'authenticate' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
an authenticate
context. This may lead to the development of second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
which can benefit in near future.
For example
, while playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
a young child can chat with American or British teammates during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. It is a kind of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
learning process
Consider replacing "in an enjoyable way" with the adverb for "enjoyable"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an enjoyable way
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as PUBG or WarCraft.
Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
, getting fluent in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
, I believe,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
an addictive and it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for kids to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to exercising they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
and adopt a lazy lifestyle.

Kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
easily
addicted to these types of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. As these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are designed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
well that, on completion of each task participant win points,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
winning and gaining points at every stage in gaming world,
thus
releases dopamine in the brain,
eventually
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignores
exercising, prone to diseases such as diabetes and heart attacks in the future.
For example
, recently a survey on addictive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
conducted by Oxford university found that the life span of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
short due to less physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and chances suffering from heart diseases is in these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To conclude
, though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are helpful to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
.
However
, I believe that physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
do wonders in a person’s life fighting against diseases through willpower.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Should young people follow older people s example or it s good for them to challenge older people s opinions and thoughts 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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