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Governments prohibiting the underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. Do you agree or disagree? v.4

Governments prohibiting the underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. v. 4
It is forbidden in sime particular countries that children get a full-time occupation, and I completely agree with this considering the education and the health of the young. On the one hand, the education of individuals is paramount for a society's well-being, because in today's world the knowledge is power. Therefore, children must be taught until at lest they graduate from secondary school, having learnt the fundamental knowledge on various subjects ranging from social sciences to the technology. For example, children should learn how to use the current technology and to adapt the trending devices such as 3D printers. If children work full-time, it will impede them to go to school, and when they grow up theycannot contribute to the society they live in, in addition, they will not be able to pursue a rewarding career and make a comfortable life. On the other hand, full-time work would adversely affect the health of the youngsters. Firstly, children need playing as an essential their mental health. Both individual and social activities with friends will augment their cognitive skills as well as their emotional intelligence. For instance, while playing games, children learn to help each other and to share. Secondly, children's physical condition flourishes if they do regular exercises or sports such as basketball or tennis, and hence, their physical health will be assured. In both cases, mental and physical, kids need time to realize the required activities, and if they work as a full-time employee, it will avert the children from such requirements. In conclusion, I completely agree with the governments which strictly prohibit the children for having full-time occupations, because it would prevent them from improving as a wise and healthy member of their society.
It
is forbidden
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
sime
particular countries that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a full-time occupation, and I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this considering the education and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of the young.

On the one hand, the education of individuals is paramount for a society's well-being,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world the knowledge is power.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taught
until at lest they graduate from secondary school, having
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
the fundamental knowledge on various subjects ranging from social sciences to the technology.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should learn how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
technology and to adapt the trending devices such as 3D printers. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
work full-time, it will impede them to go to school, and when they grow up
Possible spelling mistake found.
theycannot
contribute to the society they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in,
in addition
, they will not be able to pursue a rewarding career and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a comfortable life.

On the other hand
, full-time work would
adversely
affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of the youngsters.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need playing as an essential their mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. Both individual and social activities with friends will augment their cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as well
as their emotional intelligence.
For instance
, while playing games,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
each other and to share.
Secondly
, children's physical condition flourishes if they do regular exercises or sports such as basketball or tennis, and
hence
, their physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
will
be assured
. In both cases, mental and physical, kids need time to realize the required activities, and if they work as a full-time employee, it will avert the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from such requirements.

In conclusion
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
which
strictly
prohibit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for having full-time occupations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from improving as a wise and healthy member of their society.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Governments prohibiting the underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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