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Films and computer games containing violence are popular. Some people say they have negative effect on society and should be banned. Others say they are just harmless relaxation. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Films and computer games containing violence are popular. Some people say they have negative effect on society and should be banned. Others say they are just harmless relaxation. v. 2
Nowadays, people are cynical about whether violent games and films should be banned or not when this source of entertainment is more and more popular for young people. From my point of view, the demerits of experiencing violent games and films overshadow its possible merits. Those who stand up for violent games and films argue that they are essential to children’s relaxation and mind set. First of all, playing games and watching film with violent contents can provide players with much pleasure as they act as an effective way to relax one’s body and ease one’s mind. Indeed, kids are always excited to violent games and movies are able to be attributed to the improving of teamwork spirit because co-operation and strategy is really essential to game players. On the flip side, on no account can we overlook the potential downsides triggered by allowing children to play violent games watching violent films. Firstly, these games and films would arouse the violent actions among juveniles. To illustrate, watching overly violent movies would make children becoming more aggressive. This is the possible root causes of school bullying. More seriously, the bullies are possible to become crimes in their long run. To exemplify, the number of crimes in which the crime is under 18 years old, is slowly gaining momentum in Ho Chi Minh city. In closing, violent entertainment such as games and movies can be a double-edged sword, which can be used for equally good and evil. However, it is unwise to let young people excessive exposure to violent media.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are cynical about whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and films should
be banned
or not when this source of entertainment is more and more popular for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. From my point of view, the demerits of experiencing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and films overshadow its possible merits.

Those who stand up for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and films argue that they are essential to children’s relaxation and mind set.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and watching film with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
contents can provide players with much pleasure as they act as an effective way to relax one’s body and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
one’s mind.
Indeed
, kids are always excited to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and movies are able to
be attributed
to the improving of teamwork spirit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
co-operation and strategy is
really
essential to game players.

On the flip side, on no account can we overlook the potential downsides triggered by allowing children to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
films.
Firstly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and films would arouse the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
actions among juveniles. To illustrate, watching
overly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
movies would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
children becoming more aggressive. This is the possible root causes of school bullying. More
seriously
, the bullies are possible to become crimes in their long run. To exemplify, the number of crimes in which the crime is under 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, is
slowly
gaining momentum in
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Ho Chi Minh city
.

In closing,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
entertainment such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and movies can be a double-edged sword, which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for
equally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and evil.
However
, it is unwise to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
excessive exposure to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
media.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Films and computer games containing violence are popular. Some people say they have negative effect on society and should be banned. Others say they are just harmless relaxation. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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