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Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Some people say that technology has some bad effects on children's creativity. v.9

Some people say that technology has some bad effects on children's creativity. v. 9
Many people claim that financial education ought to be a compulsory aspect of the school curriculum. In my opinion, I agree that students need to be taught how to manage finances as it will greatly benefit both individual and society. A good reason to include financial education in schools is that it helps students learn important financial management skills. In other words, people are more able to understand basic concepts of money. That is, people can plan, organise, and control financial resources more effectively. The introduction of financial coaching in schools in the UK, for example, has greatly enabled students to manage their income properly. Another point to consider is that the inclusion of financial training in schools means that students can learn to make good financial decisions. For instance, the Telegraph Newspaper reported that 60% of students in India do not know the right way to invest their income and so fall into financial trouble all the time. Teaching financial management skills in schools help to reduce bad debts and also equips students with the knowledge to make the right choice when investing money. Finally, financial education in schools will benefit the society, for the simple reason that there will be a large number of financially educated people in the country. To illustrate, in China, where simple financial skills are taught in schools, over 60% of the total population are able to prepare a household budget. Consequently, this will bring economic advantages to a country where wasteful spending and deficits are reduced to a minimum. To conclude, financial improvement should be a part of a school work so as to help produce financially literate individuals who will help to develop the country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
education ought to be a compulsory aspect of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
need to
be taught
how to manage finances as it will
greatly
benefit both individual and society.

A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reason to include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
education in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is that it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more able to understand basic concepts of money.
That is
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can plan,
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
, and control
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
resources more
effectively
. The introduction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
coaching in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in the UK,
for example
, has
greatly
enabled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to manage their income
properly
.

Another point to consider is that the inclusion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
training in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can learn to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
decisions.
For instance
, the Telegraph Newspaper reported that 60% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in India do not know the right way to invest their income and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
fall into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
trouble all the time. Teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
debts and
also
equips
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with the knowledge to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the right choice when investing money.

Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
education in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
will benefit the society, for the simple reason that there will be
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
financially
educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the country. To illustrate, in China, where simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are taught
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, over 60% of the total population are able to prepare a household budget.
Consequently
, this will bring economic advantages to a country where wasteful spending and deficits are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to a minimum.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
improvement should be a part of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
work
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
produce
financially
literate individuals who will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to develop the country.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that technology has some bad effects on children's creativity. v. 9

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
283 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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