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Should university give financial support to sports and social activities or to the classes and library? v.1

Should university give financial support to sports and social activities or to the classes and library? v. 1
It is undeniable that students have become an integral part of the school premises. In this contemporary world, the education imparted in educational institutions is becoming student centred. This is probably due to the reason that some people considered it essential to involve them in successful running of these organisations. I personally believe that it is an innovative idea to include students' participation in proper functioning of the schools. There are two major reasons for considering their roles. First of all, nowadays students are equipped with the modern gadgets which are proving advantageous for them. Despite having experienced staff, students can take the help of online lessons for easy understanding of the concepts and various contents of the curriculum. Thus with the help of teachers and different YouTube lectures they can contribute a lot in improving the academic results of educational institutes. For instance, the outcomes of the annual assessment have improved a lot in comparison to the past. In short, brilliant students are bringing the name and fame to their parents as well as their teachers by toiling hard. Moreover, active involvement in sports also adds to the success of these institutes. But this is possible only due to the availability of sufficient sports equipment such as court for games like badminton, basketball and many more. If students are provided with all the amenities, then there are ample chances of their achievement which will ultimately enhance the popularity of that particular institution all over the country, sometimes even throughout the world. For example, three students from my hometown won medals in boxing in an international championship held in Poland. This way the efforts of these youngsters raise the name of the country along with their educational institutes and the city in which they live. To conclude, although I certainly agree that administrative authorities and teachers put extensive efforts in the success of the schools, there are also students who can help in bringing up the status of schools in the society. In short, the role of pupils cannot be neglected at any cost.
It is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have become an integral part of the school premises. In this contemporary world, the education imparted in educational institutions is becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
Possible spelling mistake. 'centred' is British English.
centred
. This is
probably
due to the reason that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
considered it essential to involve them in successful running of these
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
. I
personally
believe that it is an innovative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to include students' participation in proper functioning of the schools.

There are two major reasons for considering their roles.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are equipped
with the modern gadgets which are proving advantageous for them. Despite having experienced staff,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can take the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of online lessons for easy understanding of the concepts and various contents of the curriculum.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of teachers and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
YouTube lectures they can contribute a lot in improving the academic results of educational institutes.
For instance
, the outcomes of the annual assessment have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
a lot
in comparison
to the past. In short, brilliant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are bringing the name and fame to their parents
as well
as their teachers by toiling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.

Moreover
, active involvement in sports
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
to the success of these institutes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
this is possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
due to the availability of sufficient sports equipment such as court for games like badminton, basketball and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are provided
with all the amenities, then there are ample chances of their achievement which will
ultimately
enhance the popularity of that particular institution all over the country,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
even throughout the world.
For example
, three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from my hometown won medals in boxing in an international championship held in Poland. This way the efforts of these youngsters raise the name of the country along with their educational institutes and the city in which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.

To conclude
, although I
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that administrative authorities and teachers put extensive efforts in the success of the schools, there are
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in bringing up the status of schools in the society. In short, the role of pupils cannot
be neglected
at any cost.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Should university give financial support to sports and social activities or to the classes and library? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
344 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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