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TPO 1: At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and library and should receive equal financial support. v.2

TPO 1: At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and library and should receive equal financial support. v. 2
There is no doubt that nowadays physical as well as social activities is an inevitable part of humankind’s life. This brings up a highly controversial topic: Should university administrations devout the same amount of money for social and sports activities as they do for academic contexts? I agree with the idea that universities should make an equal investment in sports and social activities as they do for the university classes. The reasons behind this viewpoint concern students’ future job and health. I will discuss them in the following paragraphs. The first reason that immediately comes to mind is that social activities increase the possibility of getting a job in the future. In fact, nowadays a lot of companies ask their job candidates to have a high level of communication skill in order to recruit them. If the students practice communicating with people effectively, it is likely that they will be employed in the future. For example, I recently applied for one of a job vacancy in a famous company. Manager of the company required from its job applicants to demonstrate communication ability. For this purpose, the manager decided to test my communication proficiency by setting an experiment. In this experiment, I had to interact with customers in order to show whether I was suitable for the job position of public relation or not. I had attended at various social activities such as students club during my study at university before I applied for a job. Thus, I successfully passed the examination. However, other applicant failed at this easy test, even though they had the same academic degree as me. The reason for this outcome was that they did not participate in social activities at their university. This example illustrates that social activities are as important as academic classes since it will raise the chance of getting a job in the future. Hence, the university should consider investing money in social activities. The second point worth discussing is related to students' health. Indeed, students are healthier when they involve in sport and physical activities. For instance, by playing soccer, humankind' s heart pumps blood rapidly through a body, which means heart muscles will become stronger than before. The heart muscle' s strength is of paramount importance for people because it has to do with heart diseases such as heart attack. Consequently, students can reduce the likelihood of getting heart diseases, as most people are suffering from these kinds of ailments. Considering this positive consequence for students, they will be in a healthier manner without taking medicines, allowing them to study better for class materials. However, the lack of physical exercises will lead to an increase in the possibility of becoming sick which reduces the time they spend on participation in university classes. Therefore, if universities dedicate equal financial support for college students for doing physical exercises, they certainly are healthier. In conclusion, according to above-mentioned factors, I contend that college presidents must allocate money for their students. The students will gain the benefits of becoming healthful and getting a job in the future.
There is no doubt that nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is an inevitable part of humankind’s life. This brings up a
highly
controversial topic: Should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
administrations devout the same amount of money for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
as they do for academic contexts? I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an equal investment in sports and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
as they do for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
. The reasons behind this viewpoint concern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and health. I will discuss them in the following paragraphs.

The
first
reason that immediately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to mind is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
increase the possibility of getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. In fact, nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
ask their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
candidates to have a high level of communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
in order to recruit them. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
practice communicating with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
effectively
, it is likely that they will
be employed
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
For example
, I recently applied for one of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
vacancy in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. Manager of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
required from its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
applicants to demonstrate communication ability. For this purpose, the manager decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
my communication proficiency by setting an experiment. In this experiment, I had to interact with customers in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
whether I was suitable for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
position of public relation or not. I had attended at various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
club during my study at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
I applied for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Thus
, I
successfully
passed the examination.
However
, other applicant failed at this easy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
,
even though
they had the same academic degree as me. The reason for this outcome was that they did not participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
at their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. This example illustrates that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
since it will raise the chance of getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
Hence
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
should consider investing money in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
activities.

The second point worth discussing
is related
to
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students&
#039; health.
Indeed
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are healthier when they involve in sport and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
For instance
, by playing soccer,
Possible spelling mistake found.
humankind&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
pumps blood
rapidly
through a body, which means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
muscles will become stronger than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
Possible spelling mistake found.
muscle&
#039; s strength is of paramount importance for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
do with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
diseases such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
attack.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the likelihood of getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
diseases, as most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are suffering from these kinds of ailments. Considering this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
consequence for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, they will be in a healthier manner without taking medicines, allowing them to study better for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
materials.
However
, the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercises will lead to an increase in the possibility of becoming sick which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the time they spend on participation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
.
Therefore
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
dedicate equal financial support for college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercises, they
certainly
are healthier.

In conclusion
, according to above-mentioned factors, I contend that college presidents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
allocate money for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will gain the benefits of becoming healthful and getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
61Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 1: At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and library and should receive equal financial support. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
512 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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