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Should the most important education for students be conducted in the classroom, but not out of the classroom? v.1

Should the most important education for students be conducted in the classroom, but not out of the classroom? v. 1
Young people now tend to get to know celebrities like pop stars and international cinema, they have little information about historical people in their country. This essay will present possible causes of this trend as well as the appropriate solutions to improve the situation. Firstly, thanks to the boom in entertainment, young people can know more famous people from other countries. Young people may easily be looking for information about them on social networking sites, especially Facebook, Instagram or online media. Moreover, young people find interesting songs and comedies, relieving them from stress after a day of studying and working. Therefore, they increasingly approach and enjoy the movie songs with catchy melodies of international artists. On the other hand, there are a few ways to improve people's knowledge of famous people from the past in the country where they were born. Some historical films which are performed by some famous artists that residents' idols to introduce some historical people, are produced by a number of filmmakers, to help history reach the teenagers easily. In addition, instead of learning to remember the dates, teachers' names and events can prepare many vivid images and some historical excerpts to help students learn and remember easily. That creates interest in learning about historical figures. Some start-up companies put historical figures in games so children can learn while playing does not create learning pressure. In conclusion, although young people these days do not pay as much attention to history as they do to celebrities, this problem can be dealt with by several suggested solutions.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know celebrities like pop stars and international cinema, they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
information about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their country. This essay will present possible causes of this trend
as well
as the appropriate solutions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the situation.

Firstly
, thanks to the boom in entertainment,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can know more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from other countries.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
easily
be looking for information about them on social networking sites,
especially
Facebook, Instagram or online media.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find interesting songs and comedies, relieving them from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
after a day of studying and working.
Therefore
, they
increasingly
approach and enjoy the movie songs with catchy melodies of international artists.

On the other hand
, there are a few ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's knowledge of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from the past in the country where they
were born
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
films which
are performed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
artists that residents' idols to introduce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
are produced
by a number of filmmakers, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
history reach the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
easily
.
In addition
,
instead
of learning to remember the dates, teachers' names and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
can prepare
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
vivid images and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
excerpts to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
students learn and remember
easily
. That creates interest in learning about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
figures.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
-up
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
put
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
figures in games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
children can learn while playing does not create learning pressure.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days do not pay as much attention to history as they do to celebrities, this problem can
be dealt
with by several suggested solutions.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Should the most important education for students be conducted in the classroom, but not out of the classroom? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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