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Should parents read or tell stories to their children or should the children be encouraged to read books, watch movies or TV all by themselves? v.2

Should parents read or tell stories to their children or should the children be encouraged to read books, watch movies or TV all by themselves? v. 2
Parents obviously play a major role in the way that develops their relationship with their children as they get older. Many people believe that parents should read or tell stories to their kids, while, others encourage that children may read books, watch TV or movies without parents. I strongly believe that parents can significantly impact on a child's development with their tales. These arguments will be analysed prior to coming to a reasoned conclusion. One of the main benefits of the tales told by the parents is that they talk only good sides of stories. For example, their tales are very interesting for their children. They tell about kings, animals, environments which kids can easily understand and believe. In addition, if the children listen to stories from their parents, they would be obedience to them. In this case, it can give more benefits for parents to control their children. On the other hand, if children are encouraged for doing these things by themselves, it can lead to some drawbacks. For instance, if the children have access to television or the internet, it may bring bad fluency on their behaviour. On this way, they might develop bad and violent manners and behaviours. Moreover, today's media provide a lot of shows which are about to make a bundle. These kinds of broadcasts impact on a child's mind. So, they start to think about how they can make more money without difficulty. For this reason, they may lose their good study sphere. In conclusion, after analysing these two points of view, it is believed that parent's tales can provide a supportive, secure, and nurturing environment and interaction with kids, which is crucial for a child to become a good adult.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
obviously
play a major role in the way that develops their relationship with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should read or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
stories to their kids, while, others encourage that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may read books,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV or movies without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
significantly
impact on a child's development with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tales
. These arguments will be
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
prior to coming to a reasoned conclusion.

One of the main benefits of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tales
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is that they talk
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
sides of stories.
For example
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tales
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
interesting for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
about kings, animals, environments which kids can
easily
understand and believe.
In addition
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
listen to stories from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, they would be obedience to them.
In this case
, it can give more benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to control their children.

On the other hand
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are encouraged
for doing these things by themselves, it can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks.
For instance
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have access to television or the internet, it may bring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
fluency on their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. On this way, they might develop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
and violent manners and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's media provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
which are about to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a bundle. These kinds of broadcasts impact on a child's mind.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about how they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more money without difficulty.
For this reason
, they may lose their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
study sphere.

In conclusion
, after
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
these two points of view, it
is believed
that parent's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tales
can provide a supportive, secure, and nurturing environment and interaction with kids, which is crucial for a child to become a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
adult.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Should parents read or tell stories to their children or should the children be encouraged to read books, watch movies or TV all by themselves? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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