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Should parents be obliged to immunise their children against childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the rights to choose not to immunise their children? v.2

Should parents be obliged to immunise their children against childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the rights to choose not to immunise their children? v. 2
Every infant needs an aid of protection from any danger at their early age. One of the most predominant perils is absolutely illnesses. Any disorder can be able to face them with the risk of death, even a single flu because children are vulnerable and a potential target for viruses and other threatening creatures. Their immunity system is just started to grow and improve. If they are not fed well and protected from hazardous effects the immune system cannot thrive and the body will destroy soon. That's why they are in need of their protectors at certain ages of weakness. It is evident that these protectors are their parents or responsible relatives. Hands of kind-hearted and generous parents are especially given for that reason. From the birth to the age of being an individual, parents look after their children with great patience and attention. They devote their whole life to pay attentions to their protection like precious jewellery. This dedication includes health, happiness, culture and other qualities of their own personality. In front of those all health of their children is most crucial one. Kind-hearted parents always want their children to be healthy, because of that they immunise them very well. In their opinion, it is their obligation to do that. Unfortunately, some parents are in the other mind. They refuse to inoculate their children. It must be a scandal, because if parents decline to vaccinate them, then who should do the issue. I think it is obviously the obligation of parents to grow up and immunise their children. Another variant could not be perceptible. And the government should impose a law for this type of parents to either immunise their own children or pay the expense of looking after them.
Every infant needs an aid of protection from any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
at their early age. One of the most predominant perils is
absolutely
illnesses. Any disorder can be able to face them with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of death, even a single flu
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are vulnerable and a potential target for viruses and other threatening creatures. Their immunity system is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to grow and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
. If they are not fed well and protected from hazardous effects the immune system cannot thrive and the body will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
.

That's why they are in need of their protectors at certain ages of weakness. It is evident that these protectors are their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or responsible relatives. Hands of kind-hearted and generous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
for that reason. From the birth to the age of being an individual,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
look after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with great patience and attention.

They devote their whole life to pay attentions to their protection like precious
Possible spelling mistake. 'jewellery' is British English.
jewellery
. This dedication includes health, happiness, culture and other qualities of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personality. In front of those all health of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is
Did you mean "the most"?
most
crucial one. Kind-hearted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
always want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be healthy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that they
Possible spelling mistake. 'immunise' is British English.
immunise
them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well. In their opinion, it is their obligation to do that. Unfortunately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are in the other mind. They refuse to inoculate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be a scandal,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
decline to vaccinate them, then who should do the issue.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is
obviously
the obligation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to grow up and
Possible spelling mistake. 'immunise' is British English.
immunise
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Another variant could not be perceptible. And the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should impose a law for this type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to either
Possible spelling mistake. 'immunise' is British English.
immunise
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
or pay the expense of looking after them.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Should parents be obliged to immunise their children against childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the rights to choose not to immunise their children? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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