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Should long-term job-seekers in receipt of government benefits be made to do voluntary work so that they give something back to the community? v.2

Should long-term job-seekers in receipt of government benefits be made to do voluntary work so that they give something back to the community? v. 2
The government provides various benefits to the people who are seeking job from long time. However, I believe that in return to these services provided by nation to these persons, they should be made to do community work for the betterment of not only society by the country as a whole. The job-seekers can be utilized in different social works and social welfare to enhance the growth and development of the community. Voluntary work, such as teaching some underprivileged children, can not only do good to these children but also for the person educating them. This way, the individual will get to know the problems faced by various communities and villages and help the person to be more responsible towards his or her nation. Moreover, if the children will learn new things in life, this will also help in increasing the knowledge of the poverty-struck families which will further help in getting them jobs in the society. In addition, by doing community service, people will get to know about their surroundings and will make better relationships with others in the society. This will help in creating trust and harmony among citizens of a country and increase the happiness quotient of the country. The unemployed people will get to know the importance of work and money in the daily life where thousands of people struggle to sustain their livelihood. Hence, building respect for the ones who wishes to work but are not able to due to different reasons. To summarize, doing voluntary services in return of the benefits provided by the government, will be beneficial for both the individual and society as well. Therefore, these type of work will provide new avenues to the individual and better opportunity for the development of the country.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
provides various benefits to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are seeking job from long time.
However
, I believe that in return to these services provided by nation to these persons, they should
be made
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for the betterment of not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
society by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
as a whole.

The job-seekers can
be utilized
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
social works and social welfare to enhance the growth and development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
. Voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, such as teaching
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
underprivileged children, can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to these children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for the person educating them. This way, the individual will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know the problems faced by various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
and villages and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the person to be more responsible towards
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
nation.
Moreover
, if the children will learn new things in life, this will
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in increasing the knowledge of the poverty-struck families which will
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in getting them jobs in the society.

In addition
, by doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
service,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know about their surroundings and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
better relationships with others in the society. This will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in creating trust and harmony among citizens of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and increase the happiness quotient of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. The unemployed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and money in the daily life where thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
struggle to sustain their livelihood.
Hence
, building respect for the ones who
Did you mean "wish"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'ones' should be used.
wishes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
are not able to due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
reasons.

To summarize
, doing voluntary services in return of the benefits provided by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, will be beneficial for both the individual and society
as well
.
Therefore
, these type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
will provide new avenues to the individual and better opportunity for the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Should long-term job-seekers in receipt of government benefits be made to do voluntary work so that they give something back to the community? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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