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Should long-term job-seekers in receipt of government benefits be made to do voluntary work so that they give something back to the community? v.1

Should long-term job-seekers in receipt of government benefits be made to do voluntary work so that they give something back to the community? v. 1
Some people give different opinions about whether or not children should be educated in a formal way as early as possible or delay it until these children become 7 years old kids. I personally suppose that a later start would be better than facilitating for helping these children get used to this formality method of study. On the one hand, several people willing to encourage their children access to educational environment very early for some reason. The a younger individual is, the easier it is for them to acquire new knowledges. Therefore, nowadays, some Vietnamese parents let their children approach to learn English while they are 3, 4 years old. Otherwise, children can build some skills which are hard to get at home. To be more precious, teamwork skills require a group of people to be able to practice so children can have it through some teamwork activities at school. On the other hand, the advantages that a early beginning of formal education can bring to children, however, I would argue that it might be more reasonable to allow children begin to get used in formal education at least 7 years old. Children should not take any pressure from school in early age because the consequences could affect their learning for life. As an example, homeworks and exercises can induce children feel afraid of learning or being depressed when they get punished. Furthermore, the early years of life are when children establish the values and mindsets that underpin their sense of self and attitude to later learn, together with their communicative skills and natural creativity. To illustrate, children spend most of their time to discover the world around them so home is the safety environment and suitable for them, they can learn things through the daily activities of their parents such as cooking, reading or talking styles. To sum up, children begin formal education early may bring several advantages, but a later start is more safety and more effective for them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions about
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be educated
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
way as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
as possible or delay it until these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become 7 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
kids. I
personally
suppose that a later
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
would be better than facilitating for helping these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to this formality method of study.

On the one hand, several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
willing to encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
access to educational environment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reason.
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "The" or "a" is left.
The a
younger individual is, the easier it is for them to acquire new
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledges
.
Therefore
, nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Vietnamese parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
approach to learn English while they are 3, 4 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Otherwise
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can build
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
at home. To be more precious, teamwork
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
require a group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to be able to practice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can have it through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
teamwork activities at school.

On the other hand
, the advantages that
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
beginning of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
education can bring to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
however
, I would argue that it might be more reasonable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
education at least 7 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should not take any pressure from school in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the consequences could affect their learning for life. As an example,
Possible spelling mistake found.
homeworks
and exercises can induce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
feel afraid of learning or
being depressed
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
punished.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
years of life are when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
establish the values and mindsets that underpin their sense of self and attitude to later learn, together with their communicative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and natural creativity. To illustrate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend most of their time to discover the world around them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
home is the safety environment and suitable for them, they can learn things through the daily activities of their parents such as cooking, reading or talking styles.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
may bring several advantages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a later
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
is more safety and more effective for them.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Should long-term job-seekers in receipt of government benefits be made to do voluntary work so that they give something back to the community? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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