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Shops should not be allowed to sell food and drinks that are scientifically proven to be bad for people’s health. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Shops should not be allowed to sell food and drinks that are scientifically proven to be bad for people’s health. v. 1
It is argued by some that some school subjects like mathematics and philosophy should not be mandatory because children find it hard to learn them. In my opinion, I completely disagree with making such vital subjects optional due to their immense benefits for children. There are many reasons as to why subjects such as mathematics must be mandatory. Firstly, it teaches children arithmetic skills which are of the utmost importance. If children skipped learning mathematics, they would face multiple challenges when they grow up as they would not be able to manage their finances or calculate their bills. Secondly, mathematics is a fundamental subject and is the base of many other subjects and university majors, thus, learning it is a must. For instance, students who want to major in computer engineering might have never been interested in maths as children, yet not studying it would have been detrimental to their higher education. Regarding philosophy, it is a vital subject for the development of a child’s writing and thinking abilities. Through philosophy, children are encouraged to ask meaningful and complicated questions about life as well as formulate answers and explain them thoroughly to others. This leads to children developing their communication skills as well as pushing them to think deeply in order to answer these questions. Moreover, they are taught how to read and understand complex texts in addition to improving their writing skills by writing about philosophical topics. These critical skills are important for children as they can help them to become well-rounded adults with the ability to think logically. In conclusion, despite children struggling to understand mathematics and philosophy, these subjects are extremely beneficial as they can broaden their horizons and help them later in life.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mathematics
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
philosophy
should not be mandatory
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to learn them. In my opinion, I completely disagree with making such vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
optional due to their immense benefits for children.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons as to why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mathematics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be mandatory.
Firstly
, it teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
arithmetic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
which are of the utmost importance. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
skipped learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mathematics
, they would face multiple challenges when they grow up as they would not be able to manage their finances or calculate their bills.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mathematics
is a fundamental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
and is the base of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and university majors,
thus
, learning it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
.
For instance
, students who want to major in computer engineering might have never
been interested
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
yet
not studying it would have been detrimental to their higher education.

Regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
philosophy
, it is a vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
for the development of a child’s writing and thinking abilities. Through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
philosophy
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are encouraged
to ask meaningful and complicated questions about life
as well
as formulate answers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
them
thoroughly
to others. This leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
developing their communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
as well
as pushing them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
deeply
in order to answer these questions.
Moreover
, they
are taught
how to read and understand complex texts
in addition
to improving their writing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
by writing about philosophical topics. These critical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to become well-rounded adults with the ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
logically
.

In conclusion
, despite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
struggling to understand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mathematics
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
philosophy
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are
extremely
beneficial as they can broaden their horizons and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them later in life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Shops should not be allowed to sell food and drinks that are scientifically proven to be bad for people’s health. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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