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Shopping is the favorite pastime for most of the young people. Why do you think is that? Do you think they should be encouraged to do some other useful activities? v.3

Shopping is the favorite pastime for most of the young people. Why do you think is that? Do you think they should be encouraged to do some other useful activities? v. 3
Nowadays, shopping has become a favourite hobby of youngsters. Some people think that is good for them, but others believed that they can do some other useful and leisure activities in spite of spending more time on shopping. It is a debatable issue and I will discuss both views in upcoming paragraph. To begin with, there are some reasons why the younger generation chooses the shopping as a leisure activity. Firstly, they are easily getting influenced by their peers who might be doing Window shopping almost every week, for no reason. Youngsters are addicted to it easily, because they try to follow them. Secondly, shopping malls offer various services which are attracting people enormously. Commercial and in-person shopping are offering lucrative discounts all over the year and people always observe these stores and their's sites. On the other hand, people should encouraged to spend their hours wisely in leisure activities, because the only thing that cannot be retrieved back is ''the time''. Firstly, if people allow doing some others hobbies means it help them to live more creative and active in their lifetime. For example, shopping does not play an active role in the development of human being as other activity. Such as, reading books that increase the knowledge of human. Furthermore, they can join a course that enhances their skill sets. To sum up, although, shopping is essential for everyone in the modern society, but spending relaxing hours is also important for them. Because, human can live a stress-free and healthy with spending relaxing time.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has become a
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
hobby of youngsters.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others believed that they can do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
useful and leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
spending more time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. It is a debatable issue and I will discuss both views in upcoming paragraph.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why the younger generation chooses the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as a leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
.
Firstly
, they are
easily
getting influenced by their peers who might be doing Window
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
almost every week, for no reason. Youngsters
are addicted
to it
easily
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they try to follow them.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls offer various services which are attracting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enormously
. Commercial and in-person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
are offering lucrative discounts all over the year and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always observe these stores and
Did you mean "their" or "theirs"?
their's
sites.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "encourage"
encouraged
to spend their hours
wisely
in leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
thing that cannot
be retrieved
back is ''the time''.
Firstly
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others hobbies means it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more creative and active in their lifetime.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
does not play an active role in the development of human being as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
. Such as, reading books that increase the knowledge of human.
Furthermore
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
a course that enhances their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
sets.

To sum up, although,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is essential for everyone in the modern society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
spending relaxing hours is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, human can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-free and healthy with spending relaxing time.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learn a new language and get a new soul.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay Shopping is the favorite pastime for most of the young people. Why do you think is that? Do you think they should be encouraged to do some other useful activities? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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