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Shopping is the favorite pastime for most of the young people. v.2

Shopping is the favorite pastime for most of the young people. v. 2
I believe that shopping is the best phase in everyone's life because some people are spending lots of life in the malls, shopping centres and shopping area. Most of the girls are doing as shopping for enjoyment purpose because they have not any other activity at home. People want to buy some new product like saree or any other outfits because they want to know about some new designs, price of clothes and materials. It becomes a part of a hobby. Some people are advertising for clothes and get discounted because the main factor is attraction of people. Some shopkeepers are explained in an interesting way to buy that product. For example, I have a shopping centre and I have some clothes to sell it in a brisk manner. So after that I want to give some discount on it because we better learn through the shopping. In another way, some people are saying that it is a waste of life and waste of lots of money. If we tired or getting bored ok it is good space to spend with friends. In the modern era, shopping is the big thing for women. For example, I am a housewife and I am spending lots of time at home and I am bored. It is splendid for me. I conclude that there are many factors. How to past term is not important, but the thing is a good moment. Shopping gives happiness. Advertisement is important for the shopkeeper because factor is a prominent stage for generating.
I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is the best phase in everyone's life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are spending lots of life in the malls,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
area.

Most of the girls are doing as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
for enjoyment purpose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have not any other activity at home.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new product like saree or any other outfits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to know about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new designs, price of clothes and materials. It becomes a part of a hobby.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are advertising for clothes and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
discounted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the main factor is attraction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
shopkeepers are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
Consider replacing "in an interesting way" with the adverb for "interesting"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an interesting way
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
that product.
For example
, I have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
and I have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
clothes to sell it
Consider replacing "in a brisk manner" with the adverb for "brisk"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a brisk manner
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
after that I want to give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
discount on it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we better learn through the shopping.

In another way,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are saying that it is a waste of life and waste of lots of money. If we tired or getting bored ok it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
space to spend with friends. In the modern era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
thing for women.
For example
, I am a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
housewife and
I am spending lots of time at
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
home and
I
am bored
. It is splendid for me.

I conclude that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors. How to past term is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the thing is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
moment.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shopping
gives happiness. Advertisement is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the shopkeeper
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
factor is a prominent stage for generating.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Shopping is the favorite pastime for most of the young people. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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