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Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. Why is this? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? v.5

Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. Why is this? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? v. 5
Shopping is an activity in which customers browses the available good and services presented by one or more retailers. It is often argued that, buying clothes is the most common idle hours entertainment for most of the youngsters around the globe. The reason behind this trend is the huge influence of social media and fast fashion on the teenagers and adults. According to my perspective, this is a negative development and, this essay will explain the points to justify my statement. To begin with, there is no doubt that young generation is greatly influenced by the social media influence. Alongside, social media, fast fashion brands are manipulating young adults to buy more and, because of this, they start to purchase unnecessary items which they actually do not need or want, but just for the show off and peer pressure they purchase it. For instance, when they bought things needlessly either they end up throwing it in the garbage or donating it. Additionally, the clothes which fast fashion brands make are usually of cheap material which does not last long. Secondly, when youngsters go out for shopping, they need cash. But, they do not know how to spend that money wisely, and most of the time, they will either run out of the cash, before they spend it on the right things which they actually need or, end up in huge debts. Because, not all the young adults come from rich families, but because of the domination of brands and fast trend and marketing of the items leave them to buy it needlessly. In conclusion, more and more youngsters now spend their time shopping because they want to follow the latest style rends and to impress their friends. However, it is a negative development as it is a complete waste of time, energy and most importantly money.
Shopping is an activity in which customers
Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "browse".
browses
the available
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and services presented by one or more retailers. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that, buying clothes is the most common idle
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "hours'" or "hour's"?
hours
entertainment for most of the youngsters around the globe. The reason behind this trend is the huge influence of social media and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
fashion on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and adults. According to my perspective, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development and, this essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the points to justify my statement.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there is no doubt that young generation is
greatly
influenced by the social media influence. Alongside, social media,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
fashion brands are manipulating young adults to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
more and,
because of this
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
unnecessary items which they actually do not need or want,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off and peer pressure they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
it.
For instance
, when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
things
needlessly
either they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up throwing it in the garbage or donating it.
Additionally
, the clothes which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
fashion brands
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
are
usually
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
material which does not last long.

Secondly
, when youngsters go out for shopping, they need cash.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, they do not know how to spend that money
wisely
, and most of the time, they will either run out of the cash,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they spend it on the right things which they actually need or,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in huge debts.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, not all the young adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from rich families,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the domination of brands and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
trend and marketing of the items
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it
needlessly
.

In conclusion
, more and more youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
spend their time shopping
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to follow the latest style rends and to impress their friends.
However
, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development as it is a complete waste of time, energy and most
importantly
money.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. Why is this? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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