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Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. What do you think is the reason for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v.2

Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. What do you think is the reason for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 2
For many youngsters, shopping has become the most loved leisure activity. The primary reasons for this are due to easy accessibility to the internet and discounts offered by business firms. In my opinion, this trend brings a positive development since it forges job opportunities and also aids to generate funds. One of the prime reasons for this trend, I believe, is the easy accessibility of the internet. It is the portal for many online shopping websites such as Amazon and Flipkart, which offers a wide range of latest trending products. To keep up with the current fashion, youngsters do online shopping during their free time. Another reason is discounts offered by a host of production companies. Due to cut-throat competition in the global market, they offer attractive discounts on products to increase their sales. For example, Minta fashion, an online shopping site, offers 20% discounts on new arrivals on weekdays between 8 pm to 12 pm. This attracts many youngsters to grab the best deal on clothing on this time duration. The major benefit of this trend is that it increases job opportunities. Due to increase in demand and supply of items, manufacturing and distribution companies hire more employees. Such recruitment tackles the unemployment issue in third world countries such as India, Pakistan and Bangladesh. For example, Amazon, an international e-commerce site, hired over one lack of sale persons in 2017 as their sales increased by one third as compared to the previous year.  Moreover, it helps to generate funds. As the government levies taxes on each and every purchased goods, increased sales will increase national revenue, which could be utilized to alleviate poverty. In conclusion, young adults allured by discounts and do shopping through the internet in their spare time, which positively influences the GDP of countries and the employment rate.
For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has become the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
leisure activity. The primary reasons for this are due to easy accessibility to the internet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discounts
offered by business firms. In my opinion, this trend brings a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development since it forges job opportunities and
also
aids to generate funds.

One of the prime reasons for this trend, I believe, is the easy accessibility of the internet. It is the portal for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
websites such as Amazon and Flipkart, which offers a wide range of latest trending products. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
fashion, youngsters do online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
during their free time. Another reason is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discounts
offered by a host of production
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. Due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
-throat competition in the global market, they offer attractive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discounts
on products to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Minta
fashion, an online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
site, offers 20%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discounts
on new arrivals on weekdays between 8 pm to 12 pm. This attracts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters to grab the best deal on clothing on this time duration.

The major benefit of this trend is that it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increases
job opportunities. Due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in demand and supply of items, manufacturing and distribution
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
hire more employees. Such recruitment tackles the unemployment issue in third world countries such as India, Pakistan and Bangladesh.
For example
, Amazon, an international e-commerce site, hired over one lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sale
persons in 2017 as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
increased by one third as compared to the previous year.  
Moreover
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to generate funds. As the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
levies taxes on each and every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
, increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
national revenue, which could
be utilized
to alleviate poverty.

In conclusion
, young adults allured by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discounts
and do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
through the internet in their spare time, which
positively
influences the GDP of countries and the employment rate.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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IELTS essay Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. What do you think is the reason for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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