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Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. What do you think is the reason for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v.1

Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. What do you think is the reason for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1
Amongst other forms of recreational activity, shopping is recently the most common for the youths in many continents of the world and I think this is happening basically because of peer influence. This in turn is a negative development due to the fact that many youths are now extravagant in spending plus they now compete and engage in unacceptable activities such as stealing in order to meet up with this trend. To begin, one basic reason I believe shopping is gaining popularity among the youths is because of peer influence. Young adults want to flow with the trend of having new clothes, bags, shoes, jewelry and slay in them just like their peers such that any spare time or money they own, all their likely to do is go shopping. Evidently, a research carried out in University of Ghana, 2009, by an undergraduate student on how youths spend their leisure time shows that about 60% of the them spend more of their leisure shopping for new things. Therefore, this is just one reason amongst some others why shopping is becoming increasingly popular among the youths. Nonetheless, this I think is a negative trend because most youths are likely to become extravagant spenders. It is known that quality products especially wears, are quite expensive to purchase but the love for shopping tend to mould these ones to be squanderers, hencez wasting their time and money on unnecessary materials just to satisfy their pleasure. Another point to consider is that youths are likely to compete with each other and also might do whatever it takes for them to shop for new things such as stealing, hence, making the society an unsafe place to live. For example, recently in a news, a young boy of 21 years was arrested for stealing a jewellery worth $2000 fom a shop in Washington, USA. He claimed that he wanted to wear the most expensive necklace to a party organised by his friend. This is likely to be the case of most youths today if shopping remains a growing trend. In conclusion, shopping is becoming increasingly popular among the youths of today in many nations because they want to feel belonged and this is influencing their lifestyle negatively in terms of their spending and behavioral aspect of life.
Amongst other forms of recreational activity,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is recently the most common for the youths in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
continents of the world and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this is happening
basically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of peer influence. This in turn is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development due to the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youths are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
extravagant in spending plus they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
compete and engage in unacceptable activities such as stealing in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
up with this trend.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, one basic reason I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is gaining popularity
Do not mix variants of the same word ('among' and 'amongst') within a single text.
among
the youths is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of peer influence. Young adults want to flow with the trend of having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
clothes, bags, shoes, jewelry and slay in them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like their peers such that any spare time or money they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
, all their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
likely
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
to do
is go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
Evidently
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
carried out in University of Ghana, 2009, by an undergraduate student on how youths spend their leisure time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that about 60% of
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "them"?
the them
spend more of their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things.
Therefore
, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one reason amongst
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is becoming
increasingly
popular
Do not mix variants of the same word ('among' and 'amongst') within a single text.
among
the youths.

Nonetheless, this I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most youths are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
likely
to become extravagant spenders. It
is known
that quality products
especially
wears, are quite expensive to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
tend to
Possible spelling mistake. 'mould' is British English.
mould
This phrase is probably grammatically incorrect. Write "these" instead.
these ones
to be
Possible spelling mistake found.
squanderers
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
hencez
wasting their time and money on unnecessary materials
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to satisfy their pleasure. Another point to consider is that youths are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
likely
to compete with each other and
also
might do whatever it takes for them to shop for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things such as stealing,
hence
, making the society an unsafe place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
For example
, recently in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
, a young boy of 21 years
was arrested
for stealing a
Possible spelling mistake. 'jewellery' is British English.
jewellery
worth $2000
Possible spelling mistake found.
fom
a shop in Washington, USA. He claimed that he wanted to wear the most expensive necklace to a party
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
by his friend. This is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
likely
to be the case of most youths
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
remains a growing trend.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is becoming
increasingly
popular
Do not mix variants of the same word ('among' and 'amongst') within a single text.
among
the youths of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to feel belonged and this is influencing their lifestyle
negatively
in terms of their spending and behavioral aspect of life.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
13Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. What do you think is the reason for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
381 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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