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Shopping is dangerous because it makes people selfish and careless with money. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Shopping is dangerous because it makes people selfish and careless with money. v. 1
Shopping behavior of people has changed since the introduction of contemporary era. However, some people consider it disadvantageous as they believe it is waste of money. Both the outlooks will be critiqued before reaching a reasoned conclusion. Some people opine that shopping is an activity which makes people spendthrift. As we can see, Many thing are being bought daily, most of which are useless. So, It could be better to spend same money on other essential things like education, business and savings so that future can be made bright and secure as it is truly said that “A penny saved is a penny earned”. Hence, it is not wise to spend money on trivial activity, called shopping. Moreover, a person who starts to do shopping become addicted to it. Most of the youngsters are indulged in this activity and they demand for more and more money from their parents. It gives birth to a sense of selfishness. In many cases, large amount loans and debts are being taken by people to satisfy their thirst of shopping. Ultimately, People get crushed under the burden of debt and take wrong steps. Many suicides are committed by people, nowadays, just because they are unable to repay the money which they had taken in the form of a loan. On the other hand, some people assert that shopping has become essential part of their life. In these days of modern era, there are many professions in which people have to keep themselves up-to-date to compete with each other. In addition, social status is given to every person according to amount of shopping he does. So, it is need of hour. In a nutshell, after discussing both the aspects I come to conclusion that pros of shopping are outweighed by its cons. We should not be too much inclined towards it as it is true that “Cut your coat according to cloth”.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shopping
behavior of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
since the introduction of contemporary era.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider it disadvantageous as they believe it is waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Both the outlooks will
be critiqued
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a reasoned conclusion.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is an activity which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spendthrift. As we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
,
Possible agreement error. The noun thing seems to be countable; consider using: "Many things".
Many thing
are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
daily, most of which are useless.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, It could be better to spend same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on other essential things like education, business and savings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that future can
be made
bright and secure as it is
truly
said that “A penny saved is a penny earned”.
Hence
, it is not wise to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on trivial activity, called shopping.

Moreover
, a person who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
become addicted to it. Most of the youngsters
are indulged
in this
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
activity and
they demand for more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from their parents. It gives birth to a sense of selfishness. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases, large amount loans and debts are
being taken
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to satisfy their thirst of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
Ultimately
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
crushed under the burden of debt and take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
steps.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
suicides
are committed
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are unable to repay the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which they had taken in the form of a loan.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has become essential part of their life. In these days of modern era, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
professions in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves up-to-date to compete with each other.
In addition
, social status is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to every person according to amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
he does.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it
is need
of hour.

In a nutshell, after discussing both the aspects I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to conclusion that pros of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
are outweighed
by its cons. We should not be too much inclined towards it as it is true that “
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Cut
your coat according to cloth”.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Shopping is dangerous because it makes people selfish and careless with money. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
317 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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