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People today are selfish and greedy. They think only about improving their own lives rather than others in the society. Do you agree? v.2

People today are selfish and greedy. They think only about improving their own lives rather than others in the society. Do you agree? v. 2
Undeniably, modernization has tremendously affected the people’s lifestyles in our contemporary world. Making decision alone, humans do not value others’ opinions, although this method of living might have had some positive influences. I personally think that its advantages have been less notable than the traditional one. Now, many individuals prefer to act solely than the past, leading them to succeed in their life more than before. One important benefit is that they have a better independent lifestyle. The more they live without their parents’ assistance, the more they feel more confidence. This means, selfishness has led young to have more independence when it comes to the selection of his or her study subject, while they were more under control of their parents in this matter before. In addition, this has led citizens to become more successful in their business. Craving to save more money, businesspersons compete more with their rivals and produce more highly quality products. For instance, the owner of Apple, a well-known cell phone company in the USA, has had a significant prosperous business by 2014. To compete with other rivals, he decided to raise its profit by producing of watch cell phones and surpassed other rivals. As a result, his greedy decision has led people to have a different cell phone, and the owner earned more profit. In contrast, considering traditions can be more helpful in any aspect of life, and I agree with this view. One important factor is that the rate of crime can be decreased far dramatically. Unfortunately, to make more profit, individuals follow rules less than before, and fraud rates have more considerably pulled up. However, had they considered the moral aspects being valued in the past, they would not have crossed the line. Another factor is that emotionally people will have a better supportive condition. Clearly, traditions induce citizens to support their relatives or friends. For example, a bankrupted retailer might be helped by his family before due to the traditions people had in the past, while this has remarkably become forgotten. In conclusion, humans have become less dependent on their family and community. I personally believe that the benefits earned by this method of living have become less obvious than the traditional one our ancestors had. I personally believe that not only the rate of violence will decrease, but people will be backed up by each other emotionally.
Undeniably
, modernization has
tremendously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
lifestyles in our contemporary world. Making decision alone, humans do not value others’ opinions, although this method of living might have had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influences. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that its advantages have been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
notable than the traditional one.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals prefer to act
Use "(solely)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
solely
than the past, leading them to succeed in their life more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
. One
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
benefit is that they have a better independent lifestyle. The more they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without their parents’ assistance, the more they feel more confidence. This means, selfishness has led young to have more independence when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the selection of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
study subject, while they were more under control of their parents in this matter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
.
In addition
, this has led citizens to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more successful in their business. Craving to save more money, businesspersons compete more with their rivals and produce more
highly
quality products.
For instance
, the owner of Apple, a well-known cell phone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in the USA, has had a significant prosperous business by 2014. To compete with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
rivals, he decided to raise its profit by producing of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
cell phones and surpassed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
rivals.
As a result
, his greedy decision has led
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cell phone, and the owner earned more profit.

In contrast
, considering traditions can be more helpful in any aspect of life, and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view. One
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor is that the rate of crime can
be decreased
far
dramatically
. Unfortunately, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more profit, individuals follow
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
, and fraud rates have more
considerably
pulled up.
However
, had they considered the moral aspects
being valued
in the past, they would not have crossed the line. Another factor is that
emotionally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will have a better supportive condition.
Clearly
, traditions induce citizens to support their relatives or friends.
For example
, a bankrupted retailer might be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
by his family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
due to the traditions
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had in the past, while this has
remarkably
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
forgotten.

In conclusion
, humans have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
dependent on their family and community. I
personally
believe that the benefits earned by this method of living have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
obvious than the traditional one our ancestors had. I
personally
believe that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the rate of violence will decrease,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
be backed
up by each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
emotionally
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay People today are selfish and greedy. They think only about improving their own lives rather than others in the society. Do you agree? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
397 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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