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Shopping has become new favorite past-time of young generation. Why is this case. should you encourage them to develop other habits. v.2

Shopping has become new favorite past-time of young generation. Why is this case. should you encourage them to develop other habits. v. 2
Teenagers and youngsters do not know the value of time and inclined to waste it in non-productive activities. Recently, there is steep upward trend in passing time while buying stuff that they do not need. This would draw a huge negative impact on their life and our society. Children have a lot of disposable money, which could prove to the detriment of their career as a whole. Firstly, technology have changed the way shopping has been conducted in history, you can compare prices from number of local and international brands, while sitting in the comport of your sofa and buy the best bet. Thirdly, Teenagers are facing huge competition from their colleagues and friends to look trendy and fashionable. Additionally, this has reduced the hustle of going to big shopping complexes and everything could be delivered at your door-step. Finally, International brands are locally available, therefore high-quality clothes could be bought at competitive prices. On the other hand, buying latest clothes, shoes, accessories and trendy sunglasses would never have positive impact on someone’s life. Therefore, It is totally waste of someone’s time and ability, which could be spend to do activities, which will have positive in their life. Today than ever, the world is growing full of competition in schools, universities and workplace and only best fit can survive. Therefore, children should invest this time to learn new skills which could include communication skill, practical skill, which can help them tremendously later in their work-life. Additionally, they can form habits which could ultimately strengthens family bond like gardening and helping parents around house. However, world is full of beautiful places and travelling makes you mature and open your perspective, therefore, travelling around country is the best habit in free time. Finally, technology has changed the way of learning and anyone can learn through online courses. In conclusion, i strongly believe that buying without any reason is totally waste of time and time is money, so it should be spent carefully and, on such tasks, which in turn helps you to achieve your goals and get ahead of the rat race of this world.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
and youngsters do not know the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and inclined to waste it in non-productive activities. Recently, there is steep upward trend in passing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
while buying stuff that they do not need. This would draw a huge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on their life and our society.

Children have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
disposable money, which could prove to the detriment of their career as a whole.
Firstly
, technology have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the way shopping has
been conducted
in history, you can compare prices from number of local and international brands, while sitting in the comport of your sofa and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the best bet.
Thirdly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
are facing huge competition from their colleagues and friends to look trendy and fashionable.
Additionally
, this has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the hustle of going to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
shopping complexes and everything could
be delivered
at your door-step.
Finally
, International brands are
locally
available,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
therefore
high-quality clothes could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
at competitive prices.

On the other hand
, buying
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
clothes, shoes, accessories and trendy sunglasses would never have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on someone’s life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, It is
totally
waste of someone’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and ability, which could be
Consider using the past participle "spent"?
spend
to do activities, which will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
in their life.
Use "(Today)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
Today
than ever, the world is growing full of competition in schools, universities and workplace and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
best fit can survive.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, children should invest this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to learn new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which could include communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
, practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
tremendously
later in their work-life.
Additionally
, they can form habits which could
ultimately
strengthens family bond like gardening and helping parents around
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
However
, world is full of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
places and travelling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
you mature and open your perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
therefore
, travelling around country is the best habit in free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Finally
, technology has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the way of learning and anyone can learn through online courses.

In conclusion
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
strongly
believe that buying without any reason is
totally
waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it should
be spent
carefully
and, on such tasks, which in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
you to achieve your goals and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
ahead of the rat race of this world.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Shopping has become new favorite past-time of young generation. Why is this case. should you encourage them to develop other habits. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
353 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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