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Shopping has become a new favourite for younger generation. why is this the case? should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v.2

Shopping has become a new favourite for younger generation. why is this the case? should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v. 2
It is true that shopping is becoming increasingly popular among youngsters. Modern marketing methods influence many customers to buy products and make them feeling of instant gratification. I strongly believe that one should adopt other hobbies like sports or art to avoid unnecessary debts. The main cause of this development is that brands invest large amounts of money to collect and analyse customers' data. These modern techniques enable companies to influence customers specifically. Consequently, these advertisements encourage people to purchase goods more often. Moreover, people like to buy expensive products to display there class and standard of living to others. This gives them instant gratification. For example, Rolex wristwatches are way more expensive than other watches. Many people buy these goods to show their class they belong to in society. Furthermore, youngsters should be encouraged to learn or develop other hobbies such as sports or art. Learning these hobbies will not only help youngsters to spend their leisure time effectively but also have them to be financially stable, saving them from unnecessary credits. While sports can keep them physically and mentally fit, art can make them successful in life. in addition to this youngsters can make these hobbies as their career which was not the case in shopping. For example, Virat Kohli, An Indian cricket team member, Loved to play cricket when he was young and when he grew up he decided to make this sport as his career. Now he is one of the most successful sports persons in the world. In conclusion, I think people get influenced by marketing techniques and useless needs, other skills apart from shopping can be developed to avoid the unnecessary debts and effectively utilise leisure time.
It is true that shopping is becoming
increasingly
popular among youngsters. Modern marketing methods influence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
customers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
products and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them feeling of instant gratification. I
strongly
believe that one should adopt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or art to avoid unnecessary debts.

The main cause of this development is that brands invest large amounts of money to collect and
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
Possible spelling mistake found.
customers&
#039; data. These modern techniques enable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to influence customers
specifically
.
Consequently
, these advertisements encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
expensive products to display there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and standard of living to others. This gives them instant gratification.
For example
, Rolex wristwatches are way more expensive than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
they belong to in society.

Furthermore
, youngsters should
be encouraged
to learn or develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or art. Learning these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
youngsters to spend their leisure time
effectively
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
have them to be
financially
stable, saving them from unnecessary credits. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them
physically
and mentally fit, art can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them successful in life.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
addition to
Did you mean "these"?
this
youngsters can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
as their career which was not the case in shopping.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Virat
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kohli
, An Indian cricket team member,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Loved
to play cricket when he was young and when he grew up he decided to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
as his career.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
he is one of the most successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
persons in the world.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
influenced by marketing techniques and useless needs,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
apart from shopping can
be developed
to avoid the unnecessary debts and
effectively
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
leisure time.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Shopping has become a new favourite for younger generation. why is this the case? should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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