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Shopping has become a new favorite pastime for young generation. Why is this the case? Should you encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v.1

Shopping has become a new favorite pastime for young generation. Why is this the case? Should you encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v. 1
In today’s world, it has been getting more frequent for youngsters to spend their free time with shopping. In my opinion, this occurs since it is much more affordable and reachable than the past; however, young adults should also be encouraged to do sports in their free time which would ensure them to flourish vigorously in social and mental terms. First and foremost, nowadays, shopping is much easier for teenagers due to modest clothing prices and its accessibility in cities. This is because young people can now buy clothes which are both inexpensive and smart that were not available 20 years ago. Furthermore, they can go shopping in a shopping mall where can be found in every corner of urban zones. For instance, brands such as Zara or H&M is located in plenty of stores and the shirts, pants or shoes of these brands are as cheap as groceries, thus most of the teens can easily buy whatever they wish with their limited budget. Consequently, teenagers are inclined to go shopping more than before due to its rising affordability and commonness in cities or towns. In spite of the attractiveness of shopping, teens should be encouraged to do sports which enable their flourishment abundantly. Considering this, when youngsters participate in sporting activities, they can meet with new friends and be physically active which would make them healthier. To illustrate, it is common to observe that many successful CEO’s of prominent firms played in school basketball teams when they were in college which have forged their friendships in early ages, sustained their health. Besides, they have acquired significant social skills such as being a team player, empathic and disciplined. As a result, young people should spare their time to do sports so as to stay healthy, widen their network and be social individuals which would be helpful in their adult ages. To sum up, shopping has become a favourable habit for youngsters because they can reach and afford it more than before. Apart from shopping, youngsters should spend their time for sports to improve their particular skills which would be useful especially after their adolescence.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world, it has been getting more frequent for youngsters to spend their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. In my opinion, this occurs since it is much more affordable and reachable than the past;
however
, young adults should
also
be encouraged
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
which would ensure them to flourish
vigorously
in social and mental terms.

First
and foremost, nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is much easier for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
due to modest clothing prices and its accessibility in cities. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
clothes which are both inexpensive and smart that were not available 20 years ago.
Furthermore
, they can go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
mall where can
be found
in every corner of urban zones.
For instance
, brands such as Zara or H&M
is located
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of stores and the shirts, pants or shoes of these brands are as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
as groceries,
thus
most of the teens can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
whatever they wish with their limited budget.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are inclined
to go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
more than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
due to its rising affordability and commonness in cities or towns.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
the attractiveness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, teens should
be encouraged
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
which enable their
Possible spelling mistake found.
flourishment
abundantly
. Considering this, when youngsters participate in sporting activities, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with new friends and be
physically
active which would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them healthier. To illustrate, it is common to observe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
successful
The possessive apostrophe seems to be incorrect. Please remove the apostrophe if you want to use the plural form of 'CEO'.
CEO’s
of prominent firms played in school basketball teams when they were in college which have forged their friendships in early ages, sustained their health.
Besides
, they have acquired significant social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as being a team player, empathic and disciplined.
As a result
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should spare their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
stay healthy, widen their network and be social individuals which would be helpful in their adult ages.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has become a
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
habit for youngsters
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can reach and afford it more than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Apart from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, youngsters should spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their particular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which would be useful
especially
after their adolescence.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Shopping has become a new favorite pastime for young generation. Why is this the case? Should you encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
354 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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