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Shopping has become a new favourite for younger generation. why is this the case? should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v.1

Shopping has become a new favourite for younger generation. why is this the case? should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v. 1
Some people think that paper-based printings are not necessary any more in modern society. In my opinion, although these computers or internet-based reading materials have their advantages, printed books cannot be abandoned. On the one hand, there are two reasons why using electrics are very attractive. Firstly, to state the obvious, modern technology enables us to gain message more convenient. We can obtain international news with the click of a mouse, and without ever leaving the home and thus gain a lot of leisure space. Secondly, in terms of time, you can get the latest information in less time. We live in an information age, an age of communication and connections. It means that the less time we gain the information, the better communication that we have. The less reflection time could also boost our productivity. On the other hand, I tend to insist that printing materials can be more suitable under some circumstances. In particular, there is no Wi-Fi or Internet in a remote area, which can impede computers to maximize their benefits. Meanwhile, the printed books are able to escape this difficulty, which allow people from remote areas to obtain information easily. Furthermore, most of the elderly who are behind the times would prefer to use newspapers to acquire news. The old would be more conservative and therefore they are not willing to change the way of their lives, including the acquisition the information, because they get used to read newspapers rather than using modern technology. In conclusion, I believe books or newspapers have to be kept to cater for some people’s needs, especially for the older and the people from the remote areas.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that paper-based printings are not necessary
Did you mean the adverb "anymore"?
any more
in modern society. In my opinion, although these computers or internet-based reading materials have their advantages, printed books cannot
be abandoned
.

On the one hand, there are two reasons why using electrics are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
attractive.
Firstly
, to state the obvious, modern technology enables us to gain message more convenient. We can obtain international news with the click of a mouse, and without ever leaving the home and
thus
gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
leisure space.
Secondly
, in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
in less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
age, an age of communication and connections. It means that the less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
we gain the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
, the better communication that we have. The less reflection
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
could
also
boost our productivity.

On the other hand
, I tend to insist that printing materials can be more suitable under
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
circumstances.
In particular
, there is no Wi-Fi or Internet in a remote area, which can impede computers to maximize their benefits. Meanwhile, the printed books are able to escape this difficulty, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from remote areas to obtain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
easily
.
Furthermore
, most of the elderly who are behind the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
would prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
newspapers to acquire news. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
would be more conservative and
therefore
they are not willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the way of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, including the acquisition the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
In the grammatical structure 'pronoun + be/get + used + to + verb', the verb 'used' is used with the gerund: "used to reading".
used to read
newspapers
rather
than using modern technology.

In conclusion
, I believe books or newspapers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
to cater for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
needs,
especially
for the older and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from the remote areas.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Shopping has become a new favourite for younger generation. why is this the case? should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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