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Shopping has become a new favorite pastime for younger generations. Why is this the case? Should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v.2

Shopping has become a new favorite pastime for younger generations. Why is this the case? Should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v. 2
It must be admitted that young individuals are giving more preference to shopping during their leisure time. This is mainly due to excess disposable income and peer pressure to follow the latest trend. If questioned, I certainly agree that young people should be motivated to develop other hobbies which can keep them healthy and stress-free. Discussing the reasons why young people are preferring to shop during their leisure time. The first and most compelling reason is young people have enough money to spend on such activities. In other words, many jobs are offering youth high salaries and they do not have any responsibility or concern to save for the future. Therefore, they spend on shopping for vivid products without giving a second thought. Another reason is young people are easily influenced by their friends who might be doing window shopping almost every week. For instance, according to a survey conducted by SurveyMoney. com on VR Business mall in Surat, most of the sales of the mall comes from youths who have recently started their career. Having said that, some people argue that young people should be encouraged to spend their free time in more better and useful ways. I certainly agree with the statement and think that young people should indulge their free time in some physical activities such as sports or games instead of spending time in malls. This will help them to be fit and healthy. Young individuals can also join classes that will enable them to enhance their skills which will aid them to better career prospects. For example, those people in the software field can join Artifical intelligence which is growing very fast in today' s market. In conclusion, while it is true that young people are attracted to frequent shopping these days, they should be encouraged to spend time wisely on activities that will help them to lead a more comfortable and healthy life.
It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be admitted
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals are giving more preference to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
during their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This is
mainly
due to excess disposable income and peer pressure to follow the latest trend. If questioned, I
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be motivated
to develop other hobbies which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them healthy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-free.

Discussing the reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
The verb 'preferring' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are preferring
to shop during their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. The
first
and most compelling reason is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
on such activities.
In other words
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
jobs are offering youth high
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
salaries and
they do not have any responsibility or concern to save for the future.
Therefore
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
for vivid products without giving a second
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
. Another reason is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
easily
influenced by their friends who might be doing window
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
almost every week.
For instance
, according to a survey conducted by
Possible spelling mistake found.
SurveyMoney
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
com
on VR Business mall in Surat, most of the sales of the mall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from youths who have recently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
their career.

Having said that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be encouraged
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
Use only "better" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more better
and useful ways. I
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should indulge their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
physical activities such as sports or games
instead
of spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in malls. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
be fit
and healthy.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
individuals can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
classes that will enable them to enhance their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which will aid them to better career prospects.
For example
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the software field can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
Possible spelling mistake found.
Artifical
intelligence which is growing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
today&
#039; s market.

In conclusion
, while it is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are attracted
to frequent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
these days, they should
be encouraged
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
wisely
on activities that will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to lead a more comfortable and healthy life.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Shopping has become a new favorite pastime for younger generations. Why is this the case? Should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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