Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Shopping has become a new favorite pastime for younger generations. Why is this the case? Should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v.1

Shopping has become a new favorite pastime for younger generations. Why is this the case? Should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v. 1
Nowadays, competitions among the individuals rises in every sector of life as compared to the previous some decades, whether in the field of study, research, innovations and sports, but if we talk particularly about sports, then many athletes are now using various drugs and such substances that will increase their performances in the field. However, this also led to become a controversy for them. In this essay I will address the possible reasons and solution of this situation. As the competition sharply rises in all sports, professional players want to get more fame and fortune in this sports industry, and gain such heights, they tend to use some shortcuts for that, rather than hard work. As drugs are the easiest way and the most convenient and feasible way to increase their stamina and improve their performances in the match. However, these substances also have a plethora of side effects on the human body. By using such products, the face off also becomes unfair as one player is doing all the handwork to get there and the other is relying on medication subsequently, if those players with fake stamina won the match, led others to use the same path to earn those wins, which greatly affects those particular sports and they lose their charm and importance among the masses as controversy arises and player also get their career ended due to this, like we have an examples of a Pakistani Cricket player by the name of Muhammad Asif, who was found out to be using drugs in the matches and his career vanished. To tackle this issue and to cope up with this problem the Central Committee or Governing Body of such sports needs to keep medical tests of all players more often and also files a petition to ban all such products so that they may not available easily in the market. Furthermore, they should also start a campaign of portraying the side effects of those products and to create a concept in the minds of players that hard work always paid off. To conclude, if the Government should take all above mentioned measures, then the sports will become more popular and a healthy competition will arise between the competitor, which also brings charm and joy for the viewers and those who wants to be a part of it in near future.
Nowadays, competitions among the individuals rises in every sector of life as compared to the previous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
decades, whether in the field of study, research, innovations and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if we talk
particularly
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, then
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
athletes are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
using various drugs and such substances that will increase their performances in the field.
However
, this
also
led to become a controversy for them. In this essay I will address the possible reasons and solution of this situation.

As the competition
sharply
rises in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more fame and fortune in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
industry, and gain such heights, they tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
shortcuts for that,
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work. As drugs are the easiest way and the most convenient and feasible way to increase their stamina and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their performances in the match.
However
, these substances
also
have a plethora of side effects on the human body.

By using such products, the face off
also
becomes unfair as one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
is doing all the handwork to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
there and the other is relying on medication
subsequently
, if those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
with fake stamina won the match, led others to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the same path to earn those wins, which
greatly
affects those particular
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
sports and
they lose their charm and importance among the masses as controversy arises and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their career ended due to this, like we have
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "an example" or simply "examples"?
an examples
of a Pakistani Cricket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
by the name of Muhammad Asif, who
was found
out to be using drugs in the matches and his career vanished.

To tackle this issue and to cope up with this problem the Central Committee or Governing Body of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
needs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
medical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tests
of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
and
also
files a petition to ban all such products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they
It seems that a verb or adverb has been misspelled or is missing here.
may not available
easily
in the market.
Furthermore
, they should
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a campaign of portraying the side effects of those products and to create a concept in the minds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work always paid off.

To conclude
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should take all above mentioned measures, then the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will become more popular and a healthy competition will arise between the competitor, which
also
brings charm and joy for the viewers and those who wants to be a part of it in near future.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Shopping has become a new favorite pastime for younger generations. Why is this the case? Should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
392 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts