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shopping has become a favourite pasttime among young people. Do you think they must be encouraged to do other things rather than shoppings. v.1

shopping has become a favourite pasttime among young people. Do you think they must be encouraged to do other things rather than shoppings. v. 1
There is no iota of doubt that shopping is a best way to explore the entertainment among young peoples. In today's world shopping means not to all buy all things when needed. But, it is an approaching method of media and live a luxurious life. This phenomenon is offering a different kind of benefits to people. However, sometimes a couple of problems emerge due to the same. The following paragraph would shed light on the both approaches. To begin with the bright side, the habit of shopping is mainly depends on various factors such as a money, availability of goods, offers and so on. In addition to it, there are numerous reasons why people choosing shopping as a leisure activity. Firstly, shopping mall offer a various services which are attracting people and also some other activities like children's play section, cafe and restaurant are greater impact on a person. Secondly, shopping malls and shops provide lucrative discounts on different things like a cloth, electronic goods and foods. Which leads to increasing a willingness power of buying items. As a result, youngsters are more engaged with this approach in their leisure time. On the flip side of the coin, there are some nasty consequences as well. Firstly, there are numerous adverse effect on individuals and the environment. For instance, some people are purchasing items without thinking of that item are required or not. As a result, dead inventory is created and also wastage of money and time. Instead of this type of habit, youngsters have to engage with other type of activities such as playing chess, puzzle, solving cube and so on. Which leads to individual development and also enhance the creativity of the mind. Moreover, by engaged with other players intelligence level would be increased. Briefly, it can be established that the habit of shopping has its own demerits. So, we have to encourage youngster's to spend more time with other activities in their leisure time rather than shopping.
There is no iota of doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
best way to explore the entertainment among young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
means not to all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
all things when needed.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, it is an approaching method of media and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a luxurious life. This phenomenon is offering a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
a couple of problems
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "emerges"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'emerge' is not always incorrect.)
emerge
due to the same. The following paragraph would shed light on the both approaches.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the bright side, the habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is
mainly
depends on various factors such as a money, availability of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
, offers and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
In addition
to it, there are numerous reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choosing
If 'choosing' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to shop".
shopping
as a leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
mall offer a various
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "service"?
services
which are attracting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like children's play section,
'cafe' is an imported foreign expression, which originally has a diacritic. Consider using "café"
cafe
and restaurant are greater impact on a person.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls and shops provide lucrative discounts on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
things like a cloth, electronic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and foods.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
leads to increasing a willingness power of buying items.
As a result
, youngsters are more engaged with this approach in their leisure time.

On the flip side of the coin, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nasty consequences
as well
.
Firstly
, there are numerous adverse effect on individuals and the environment.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are purchasing items without thinking of that item
are required
or not.
As a result
, dead inventory
is created
and
also
wastage of money and time.

Instead
of this type of habit, youngsters
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
engage with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as playing chess, puzzle, solving cube and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Which leads to individual development and
also
enhance the creativity of the mind.
Moreover
, by engaged with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "players'" or "player's"?
players
intelligence level would
be increased
.

Briefly
, it can
be established
that the habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
demerits.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
encourage youngster's to spend more time with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in their leisure time
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay shopping has become a favourite pasttime among young people. Do you think they must be encouraged to do other things rather than shoppings. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
329 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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