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Shopping has become a favorite pastime among young people. Why do you think it is like that, and do you think they must be encouraged to do other things rather than shopping? v.1

Shopping has become a favorite pastime among young people. Why do you think it is like that, and do you think they must be encouraged to do other things rather than shopping? v. 1
It is certainly true that young ones are more inclined towards fashion and spend their leisure day on various shops for shopping. I believe that the younger should indulge in other activities in order to pass their second. This essay will consider further viewpoint in the subsequent paragraphs. To begin with, there are copious reasons why young generations are more driven towards shopping in their free moment. The most conspicuous one is that as gigantic shopping complex offers myriad of amenities, younger excel their spare moment on these lucrative services. To explain, children play areas, cafe and brand shops can be accessed for recreational activities. For instance, a research conducted by University of Western Sydney revealed that Westfield has become one of the recreational centres for young ones where they can spend quality minute. Nevertheless, there are certain other activities where younger can hang out. Primarily, sport and art are the prominent way in order to ward off boredom and indulge in creative activities to abide their leisure. To substantiate, sports such as basketball, tennis and volleyball and art work helps them to pass their moment, so that they learn about their hidden talent as well as know the value of an hour. To exemplify, some of the students start art classes during their spare time that definitely assist in the future. To conclude, it can be said that although shopping has become a trend among the young generation, there is a dire need to participate in other activities that aid to become self-conscious.
It is
certainly
true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
are more inclined towards fashion and spend their leisure day on various shops for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. I believe that the younger should indulge in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in order to pass their second. This essay will consider
further
viewpoint in the subsequent paragraphs. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are copious reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generations are more driven towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
in their free moment. The most conspicuous one is that as gigantic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
complex offers myriad of amenities, younger excel their spare moment on these lucrative services. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
, children play areas,
'cafe' is an imported foreign expression, which originally has a diacritic. Consider using "café"
cafe
and brand shops can
be accessed
for recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
For instance
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted by University of Western Sydney revealed that Westfield has become one of the recreational
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
where they can spend quality minute.
Nevertheless
, there are certain other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
where younger can hang out.
Primarily
, sport and art are the prominent way in order to ward off boredom and indulge in creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to abide their leisure. To substantiate, sports such as basketball, tennis and volleyball and art work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to pass their moment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they learn about their hidden talent
as well
as know the value of an hour. To exemplify,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
art classes during their spare time that definitely assist in the future.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
To
conclude, it can
be said
that although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has become a trend among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation, there is a dire need to participate in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that aid to become self-conscious.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Shopping has become a favorite pastime among young people. Why do you think it is like that, and do you think they must be encouraged to do other things rather than shopping? v. 1

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
254 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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