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Shopping has become a favorite pastime among young people. Why do you think it is like that, and do you think they must be encouraged to do other things rather than shopping? v.2

Shopping has become a favorite pastime among young people. Why do you think it is like that, and do you think they must be encouraged to do other things rather than shopping? v. 2
These days, People spend a lot of time in shopping. The group of young people, Especially, find it interesting and Good for time passing. This essay will provide an overview why they are attracted towards shopping and some alternative yet Profitable practices. A big all begin with, there are numerous reasons of youngsters spending much time in shopping centers. Firstly, the gigantic Shopping malls, Colorful advertisements and a discount on favorite products Attract the interesting teenagers like magnets. To Illustrate, Dolman mall is the biggest Shopping center of my country and is always crowded, mostly with teenagers. Moreover, these malls provide Incredible shopping experience by providing customers Comfortable and brilliant services Such as luxurious sitting in shops. In result, people spend hours in malls amusing themselves. For an example, my friend loves window shopping in big and glorious malls. Hence, It is evident that youngsters cannot stop themselves from shopping for long hours. On the other hand, I am of the opinion that there are plethora of other useful Activities than shopping. The youngsters can be engaged in sports, Exercise And fitness In their extra time. In addition, People of this age may prove themselves productive and useful for society By spending time in planting trees, Helping old ones, Community work and much more. Thus, these people can be very profitable For own And for community. To conclude, Shopping centers use different techniques to address people causing wastage of time of youngsters. I am of the opinion that rather passing time in malls, One should focus on physical fitness and community service in their free time.
These days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. The group of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
Especially
, find it interesting and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
passing. This essay will provide an overview why they
are attracted
towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
alternative
yet
Profitable practices.

A
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are numerous reasons of youngsters spending much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
centers.
Firstly
, the gigantic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
, Colorful advertisements and a discount on favorite products Attract the interesting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
like magnets. To Illustrate,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dolman
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mall
is the biggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shopping
center of my country and is always crowded,
mostly
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
Moreover
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
provide Incredible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
experience by providing customers Comfortable and brilliant services Such as luxurious sitting in shops. In result,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend hours in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
amusing themselves. For an example, my friend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
window
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
and glorious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
.
Hence
, It is evident that youngsters cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
themselves from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
for long hours.

On the other hand
, I am of the opinion that there are plethora of other useful Activities than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. The youngsters can
be engaged
in sports, Exercise And fitness In their extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
of this age may prove themselves productive and useful for society By spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in planting trees, Helping
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
ones, Community work and much more.
Thus
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
profitable For
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
And for community.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shopping
centers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
techniques to address
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
causing wastage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of youngsters. I am of the opinion that
rather
passing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
, One should focus on physical fitness and community service in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Shopping has become a favorite pastime among young people. Why do you think it is like that, and do you think they must be encouraged to do other things rather than shopping? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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