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Nowadays shopping has become a new favourite pastime for young people. What are the reasons for this? Should they be encouraged to develop other hobbies? How? v.2

Nowadays shopping has become a new favourite pastime for young people. What are the reasons for this? Should they be encouraged to develop other hobbies? How? v. 2
In some countries, there is a suggestion by the public to the government to spend more money on developing public services rather than investing money in arts like music and theatre. I am fully supporting this suggestion. The following essay narrates points to support my view. Firstly, the backbone of a nation is the civilized and educated citizens. By understand this, if a nation can invest their budget in building higher standard school and college then, the next generation will be qualified and creative thinking teenagers. They can utilize their knowledge in developing and expediting the state's economic growth. For instance, in Kerala, government concentrated on giving education to pubic in free of cost, which in turn made the state to develop highly qualified and professional youngsters. To utilize these resources, big software companies launched their premises there and resulted in accelerating the Kerala’s economic growth. Secondly, it is observed that, many economically low level families are suffering with insufficient and better medication. Even many adults and babies were dying without getting proper treatment. If government can able to contribute money in building multi-Specialty hospitals and can offer treatment in low cost, then the death rate of the country will decrease and also eventually country can get rid of health related issue. On the other hand, it is needed to invest wealth in developing the nation's arts and music as it is directly related to the its culture. Most of the time our arts help foreigners to know about our history and culture. Furthermore, People need places to get relaxed and enjoy their evening with families. So spending on parks and theatre is also required for a country. In conclusion, by considering public needs and investing most of the budget on developing public services are more important than spending on entertainment field as country’s growth fully depend on the developing a healthy and educated society.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, there is a suggestion by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to spend more money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
services
rather
than investing money in arts like music and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
. I am
fully
supporting this suggestion. The following essay narrates points to support my view.

Firstly
, the backbone of a nation is the civilized and educated citizens. By understand this, if a nation can invest their budget in building higher standard school and college then, the
next
generation will
be qualified
and creative thinking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. They can utilize their knowledge in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developing
and expediting the state's economic growth.
For instance
, in Kerala,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
concentrated on giving education to
Did you mean "public"?
pubic
in free of cost, which in turn made the state to develop
highly
qualified and professional youngsters. To utilize these resources,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
software
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
launched their premises there and resulted in accelerating the Kerala’s economic growth.

Secondly
, it
is observed
that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
economically
low level families are suffering with insufficient and better medication. Even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adults and babies were dying without getting proper treatment. If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
Please check whether one of these words is redundant.
can able to
contribute money in building multi-Specialty hospitals and can offer treatment in low cost, then the death rate of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will decrease and
also
eventually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of health related issue.

On the other hand
, it
is needed
to invest wealth in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developing
the nation's arts and music as it is
directly
related to
A determiner cannot combine with a possessive pronoun. Did you mean simply "its culture" or "the culture"?
the its culture
. Most of the time our arts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
foreigners to know about our history and culture.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
need places to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relaxed and enjoy their evening with families.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
spending on parks and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
is
also
required for a country.

In conclusion
, by considering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
needs and investing most of the budget on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
services are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than spending on entertainment field as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
growth
fully
depend on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developing
a healthy and educated society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays shopping has become a new favourite pastime for young people. What are the reasons for this? Should they be encouraged to develop other hobbies? How? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
315 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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